Sometimes I Wonder Why

This has been a week. I didn't watch Whitney's funeral. It was just too much for me. I know that they sent her home well though. I have been avoiding the media attention to the matter. I pray for her child, her family I pray for those that speak ill and unkindly. People are so quick to assume the worst. I have heard so many opinions and I just have to wonder. Do you really know? I've always said that I want to be comfortable, never wealthy. Never so famous that I can't walk down the street without a camera in my face. I can't imagine how hard life was for Whitney. I can't imagine having any issue with drugs. I'm thankful, but I'm also saddened because whatever her demons were, they were hers and she dealt with them the best way SHE knew how.I've had one friend say when you take on a celebrity status you give up part of your life. This may be true, but to what extent? I don't think paparazzi, should be allowed anywhere near their homes or private affairs without serious repercussions. I think people are so much in awe of celebrities they develop a need to know every detail and go too far. They forget, that they are human beings; and they have to go through ups and downs with the world watching.Just think of that for a minute. Think of your most embarrassing moment that only you and ( a few others) know about. Can you imagine the world knowing?Aren't we all guilty of making poor choices? Some I know are worst than others, yet we all have. I cannot judge Whitney as so many have. I have my own salvation to worry about and my judge is the only one I will have to answer to. I never knew death, until my mom died. There, I've finally said it. I always say passed because I can accept that more. I'm working through it,( Another blog, another time). I said that to say, let this woman rest. I think the thing that keeps my sanity is knowing that my mother is resting well.Although she meant the world to me. My family and I did not have to deal with the crap the Houston family has an will have to. . We have lost another extraordinary talent, yet they lost so much more. The most beautiful thing we can do to celebrate, cherish and honor her is to let her family grieve and let them be. Rest well Whitney.

So This Is Christmas

We made it through another year. There was a time when I thought we would never make it. The first year I didn't feel like celebrating anything, but we did because that's the way my mother raised us.We honor her, everyday by continuing to live our lives. By pushing ourselves to go on even when we think we can't. The pain of losing her still and probably always will hurt, but we are few but resilient people. We are from very strong stock. Even my father was able to smile this year, be genuinely happy, and he needs that more than any of us. So we made it, we laughed, we cooked, we danced, joked, remembered, we celebrated. The blessing of knowing we had a great lady in our lives but also that she left a great group of us behind. I may be a little biased, but I am so happy that I belong to this family. I hope each of you have the chance to feel the joy I feel with your families. Not only at Christmas...everyday. Be Blessed!

Smile

It has been quite a year for me. I am coming to terms with the lost of my mom and realizing that she wouldn't want me to stay sad for so long. ( Easier said than done mommy) but day by day it's getting...bearable. I will always miss her but I carry her with me everyday.

My life has been filled with work. I guess I dove into it to take my mind away for a minute. But being work has really been getting on my nerves, I will have to find another outlet. So here I am with my old standby. Writing. Most of the blogs I used to follow have gone away. But,one thing about blogger...you can find new people with new thoughts. So I'm back ready to begin anew. I'm looking foward to it and I hope the things I have to say matter to some of you. If not, it matters to me. And its my blog!

So today, I smile...

Time Will Reveal

Sometimes when I am alone I wait for her. My mother. Hoping like some movie she will magically appear like an angel. I can talk to her, maybe touch her again. She will follow me around and pop in and out of my car. Offer her advice and wisdom. I could make her laugh again until her hernia blows up and she would tell me to knock it off. God, I miss her. So many days I want to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about my crazy days, craZy friends. Her birthday is coming. I hear her saying celebrate her life." Don't be sad when I'm gone because I enjoyed my life and I would do it all over again" I hear it. And I know eventually I will get to that place, just not yet.

Everywhere

My mother passed away on a Friday. April 30th, 2010.From brain cancer. It has taken me some time to be able to come here and type that. I think I am perhaps still in shock, maybe denial. I know I am self diagnosing.Good days and bad so I may also rant here. But follow me if you can. This has always been my answer. I write it all down, it's soothing to me. I had the most wonderful mother on earth, not only the most selfless person you would ever encounter,but just a beautiful human being. I am so thankful to God for her life. For being her child. For giving me 43 years with this amazing woman. Everything that I am and will ever be is because of her. I see her more in my face now, I hear her voice saying you will be okay baby, trust God.Pray.But,this is so hard.For all of us.I'm watching my father and praying for strength for him,because she was his childhood sweetheart and he is broken. I see her everywhere. In everything I do, my mannerisms. My feet, my hands, my face. I have so many good memories, and that is some comfort.I know it's my own selfishness that wants her back, because she was suffering.And I know she is in a better place. She was my friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my hero and she loved me without condition. I never doubted that and it gives me so much joy to know she knew how much we loved her. She had a husband and three children who worshiped her. She was a strong woman, much stronger than me. She endured so much physical pain and even to her last breath still concerned for us. Always truthful with us, she didn't pull any punches but her advice came from love. And her upbringing molded us, she was proud of us. She was proud of her 53 year marriage and I miss her so much it hurts. My sister wrote this poem which we printed on her obituary. It sums everything I feel, we feel, up. I love you Mrs. Patricia Skinner forever and ever. You're everywhere I am.



I can't even recoginize what gone from me means or what's in between the seen and unseen.

Much like, but not just like God I know you will never leave me, but the aching is insanity.

I've never felt broken into so many pieces, all I am is pieces. Pieces that can't be identified of justified. Pieces soaked in sadness, sprinkled with madness and wrought with love from earth and above.

I know you're busy transitioning and haven't yet begun to practice listening, protecting or visting because it's still such a new thing.

I look forward to your spirit life, and I can't wait to see how your new wings look in my dreams or however you choose to show them to me,I know you'll fit them perfectly, as I reflect this thought with certainty. An angel certainly.

Never Would Have Made It

Yesterday was my fathers 72nd birthday. I am so blessed to say that. I wasn't given the opportunity to really appreciate how blessed yesterday, because our family was hit with some hard news. My brothers best friend, killed himself. Even as I type these words I find it so very hard to believe.I was already hurt by the fact that he was gone, but my brother is the one who found him. I believe that hurt me even more because I couldn't imagine having to find my best friend dead. I can't imagine finding anyone dead. But for someone I love,it would devastate me.

People always say. " Just know that they aren't suffering anymore" That is what I pray for most. I pray that he is not suffering. I pray that whatever it was that led him to take his own life is truly over now. The hardest thing I know for me will be watching my brother go through this. I hurt more, because I hurt for him. But this too will pass.

I'm trying to be strong, I haven't spoken a word to him. Not yet because I know when I talk to him or see him I will fall apart. I have been blessed enough in my life not to know death. Not to have to miss love ones or bury them. I have only attended 1 funeral in my life. This will be the second.

I thank God for delivering me from my pain. For seeing me through when I couldn't see. For making a way, when there was no way. For giving me the strength I needed to go on. I pray he is at peace.

Live your life to the fullest Stay Blessed!