Wonderful

Yesterday we celebrated my fathers 75th birthday. He had a great time. It was the first time that we had taken him out to do so without my mom. Without his better half. You have to understand that my father was already the type that NEVER wanted to go anywhere, mostly because he is not a people person, so getting him out was for the longest like pulling teeth. To  make the job even more impossible our beloved family   pet died yesterday. So I just KNEW he was going to say "Hell no , I won't go!" But he surprised me. I watched him as he picked his clothes out ( coordinating ) and preparing to go, and it seemed he actually was looking forward to going. He made light conversation and even cracked a few jokes on our ride there. I love this man. He has taken care of us his whole life. I know there were times when he held three jobs  to make sure that we had the money for everything we needed. ( and many wants). When did he sleep? I don't recall him ever complaining, not to his children anyway. Just always doing what needed to be done. He is still in good health and has all his faculties in check. Wish I could say the same for me.

He loved the prayer I said before our meal, and the meal itself. Our gift really blew him away, (Cash) because there are no more gadgets, clothes, cologne, tools, underwear, or anything else we could ever buy that  he doesn't already own. My siblings and I were happy to do it for him and now my only wish is that we do it more often.This is the man who has always set the finest example of what a father and husband to me should be. The reason why I can see through cat who doesn't quite come up to par and can walk away without looking back. I can't settle for the okie doke. I've had his example my whole life. And at 75 I am still in awe. To him, well  I'm still his little girl. And although sometimes I don't want to hear  the long talks or advice, I am so blessed to be able to hear it. That's wonderful.

Be Blessed!!!

Obama 2012!!!

Sometimes I Wonder Why

This has been a week. I didn't watch Whitney's funeral. It was just too much for me. I know that they sent her home well though. I have been avoiding the media attention to the matter. I pray for her child, her family I pray for those that speak ill and unkindly. People are so quick to assume the worst. I have heard so many opinions and I just have to wonder. Do you really know? I've always said that I want to be comfortable, never wealthy. Never so famous that I can't walk down the street without a camera in my face. I can't imagine how hard life was for Whitney. I can't imagine having any issue with drugs. I'm thankful, but I'm also saddened because whatever her demons were, they were hers and she dealt with them the best way SHE knew how.I've had one friend say when you take on a celebrity status you give up part of your life. This may be true, but to what extent? I don't think paparazzi, should be allowed anywhere near their homes or private affairs without serious repercussions. I think people are so much in awe of celebrities they develop a need to know every detail and go too far. They forget, that they are human beings; and they have to go through ups and downs with the world watching.Just think of that for a minute. Think of your most embarrassing moment that only you and ( a few others) know about. Can you imagine the world knowing?Aren't we all guilty of making poor choices? Some I know are worst than others, yet we all have. I cannot judge Whitney as so many have. I have my own salvation to worry about and my judge is the only one I will have to answer to. I never knew death, until my mom died. There, I've finally said it. I always say passed because I can accept that more. I'm working through it,( Another blog, another time). I said that to say, let this woman rest. I think the thing that keeps my sanity is knowing that my mother is resting well.Although she meant the world to me. My family and I did not have to deal with the crap the Houston family has an will have to. . We have lost another extraordinary talent, yet they lost so much more. The most beautiful thing we can do to celebrate, cherish and honor her is to let her family grieve and let them be. Rest well Whitney.

Collards and Cornbread

I want something good to eat. I would like to sit down at a dinner table with family and friends and just have a decent meal. The only problem with that is I can't because I have been working everyday. Don't get me wrong. I am happy to have a job. Thankful to God and more than gratefu
l to not have to file unemployment.( Lord knows who came up with those figures). Anyway, I am getting very tired. Just exhausted and I am more than willing to help out but, damn. I have no time for anything. And everyone says " Well the money is great. " I retort " I can't spend it if I'm dead." Money isn't everything. Quality of life is so much more important to me. Since losing my mom, even more so. I want to be able to live each day, happily like it's my last. I'm not asking for wine and song and parties. Just a chance to relax and do what I want to do. Time to see my dad. Chat with my family and friends. Spend quality time with them. I joined the Eastern Star organization so I could really do some work in the community. How can I if I can't attend half of the functions? GOD GRANT ME SERENTIY... PATIENCE... I know and this too shall pass. Right now I am willing to settle for a good meal. Collards and Cornbread...yeah!!!!

So This Is Christmas

We made it through another year. There was a time when I thought we would never make it. The first year I didn't feel like celebrating anything, but we did because that's the way my mother raised us.We honor her, everyday by continuing to live our lives. By pushing ourselves to go on even when we think we can't. The pain of losing her still and probably always will hurt, but we are few but resilient people. We are from very strong stock. Even my father was able to smile this year, be genuinely happy, and he needs that more than any of us. So we made it, we laughed, we cooked, we danced, joked, remembered, we celebrated. The blessing of knowing we had a great lady in our lives but also that she left a great group of us behind. I may be a little biased, but I am so happy that I belong to this family. I hope each of you have the chance to feel the joy I feel with your families. Not only at Christmas...everyday. Be Blessed!

Gotta Git Up

Vacation is coming and I can't wait. I like my job, I do. But, if I don't get away soon there is going to be some furniture movin'!!! I need this much deserved break. I'm going with braids again because I hear FL is hell hot and I do not want to be dealing with hair and heat, I know that would not be cute. My dad needs this most of all. He needs to get out of the house and enjoy himself. He needs to try to live again, without mom. The other day he hinted to me moving back home. That's not going to happen, I will make more time to spend with him, because I know he gets lonely. But, I need my space, my sanity depends on it. Hopefully he will understand that. I love him to pieces, but no can do.

Love Is You

Yesterday was my 45th birthday. I started it off with good friends toasting me and having a blast. I am blessed. Last year at this time I really was not in the mood to celebrate, anything... they say time heals all wounds. Although, I can't think of any amount of time that would heal this wound I am getting better. Stronger. I have so much love in my life. The love of family has sustained me physically and mentally. The love of friends both near and far has strengthened me. So I picked this song because I feel that I am love, so filled with love for others and so filled with love from others. Today, I feel so thankful to God for all that he has given me. For the things I overlook and forget to say "Thank you" for out loud. So Blessed!!!

Smile

It has been quite a year for me. I am coming to terms with the lost of my mom and realizing that she wouldn't want me to stay sad for so long. ( Easier said than done mommy) but day by day it's getting...bearable. I will always miss her but I carry her with me everyday.

My life has been filled with work. I guess I dove into it to take my mind away for a minute. But being work has really been getting on my nerves, I will have to find another outlet. So here I am with my old standby. Writing. Most of the blogs I used to follow have gone away. But,one thing about blogger...you can find new people with new thoughts. So I'm back ready to begin anew. I'm looking foward to it and I hope the things I have to say matter to some of you. If not, it matters to me. And its my blog!

So today, I smile...

Everywhere

My mother passed away on a Friday. April 30th, 2010.From brain cancer. It has taken me some time to be able to come here and type that. I think I am perhaps still in shock, maybe denial. I know I am self diagnosing.Good days and bad so I may also rant here. But follow me if you can. This has always been my answer. I write it all down, it's soothing to me. I had the most wonderful mother on earth, not only the most selfless person you would ever encounter,but just a beautiful human being. I am so thankful to God for her life. For being her child. For giving me 43 years with this amazing woman. Everything that I am and will ever be is because of her. I see her more in my face now, I hear her voice saying you will be okay baby, trust God.Pray.But,this is so hard.For all of us.I'm watching my father and praying for strength for him,because she was his childhood sweetheart and he is broken. I see her everywhere. In everything I do, my mannerisms. My feet, my hands, my face. I have so many good memories, and that is some comfort.I know it's my own selfishness that wants her back, because she was suffering.And I know she is in a better place. She was my friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my hero and she loved me without condition. I never doubted that and it gives me so much joy to know she knew how much we loved her. She had a husband and three children who worshiped her. She was a strong woman, much stronger than me. She endured so much physical pain and even to her last breath still concerned for us. Always truthful with us, she didn't pull any punches but her advice came from love. And her upbringing molded us, she was proud of us. She was proud of her 53 year marriage and I miss her so much it hurts. My sister wrote this poem which we printed on her obituary. It sums everything I feel, we feel, up. I love you Mrs. Patricia Skinner forever and ever. You're everywhere I am.



I can't even recoginize what gone from me means or what's in between the seen and unseen.

Much like, but not just like God I know you will never leave me, but the aching is insanity.

I've never felt broken into so many pieces, all I am is pieces. Pieces that can't be identified of justified. Pieces soaked in sadness, sprinkled with madness and wrought with love from earth and above.

I know you're busy transitioning and haven't yet begun to practice listening, protecting or visting because it's still such a new thing.

I look forward to your spirit life, and I can't wait to see how your new wings look in my dreams or however you choose to show them to me,I know you'll fit them perfectly, as I reflect this thought with certainty. An angel certainly.

Father Can You Hear Me

Today my mother will get the results of her latest radiation treatment. She was diagnosed with brain cancer Christmas eve. I can see the fight still in her. I can see her trying to come back. But she isn't there yet, and she probably won't ever be. The seizure she suffered did some damage to her motor skills, her memory. I pray for strength , that I know my family will need at this time in our lives. I pray for courage, not only to carry her through but for my father as well who is taking this hardest. I know everything happens for a reason and I am still trying to undetrstand why it has to be my mother. I know people say this all the time but she is incredible. So, however I have to have her here I will. I just need a little more time dear God, just a little more time.

Never Would Have Made It

Yesterday was my fathers 72nd birthday. I am so blessed to say that. I wasn't given the opportunity to really appreciate how blessed yesterday, because our family was hit with some hard news. My brothers best friend, killed himself. Even as I type these words I find it so very hard to believe.I was already hurt by the fact that he was gone, but my brother is the one who found him. I believe that hurt me even more because I couldn't imagine having to find my best friend dead. I can't imagine finding anyone dead. But for someone I love,it would devastate me.

People always say. " Just know that they aren't suffering anymore" That is what I pray for most. I pray that he is not suffering. I pray that whatever it was that led him to take his own life is truly over now. The hardest thing I know for me will be watching my brother go through this. I hurt more, because I hurt for him. But this too will pass.

I'm trying to be strong, I haven't spoken a word to him. Not yet because I know when I talk to him or see him I will fall apart. I have been blessed enough in my life not to know death. Not to have to miss love ones or bury them. I have only attended 1 funeral in my life. This will be the second.

I thank God for delivering me from my pain. For seeing me through when I couldn't see. For making a way, when there was no way. For giving me the strength I needed to go on. I pray he is at peace.

Live your life to the fullest Stay Blessed!

Can I?

Can I tell you how tired I am?

Forgive me if my thoughts are scattered. I have been running since Wednesday. I have finally realized that I am not as young as I used to be. My sister came down from Philly.It was so good to see her face. I miss her face. My brother's kids are making me feel... older 19, 16 and 10. ( where does the time go?) and my nephew appears to be growing every second with no end in sight. He's 6'6" now. Doing well, so believe me when I say God answers prayers. My 16 year old niece has grown into a beautiful young woman and the baby, 10 years old. I can see I'm going to have to kill off. Spoiled rotten! I think its safe to say my brothers genes are shit, because those kids look like their mother. So it was decided that since mom just came home from the hospital that I would do all the cooking. Crazy, I know, but I wanted to really...no really. And I did ( my thing).
After celebrating with my own family,this year for an extra added twist I had to go to HIS's mothers house. Even after refusing everything she offered, she seems to like me; Of course I have never had any problems with parents. Thank God. I do hear some horror stories. I guess she can see that her son has found an EXTRAORDINARY, PHENOMENAL woman. Seriously, it was odd for me, this whole dating thing again, trying to build something with someone. I guess it was odd for him too. We are still new, and this our first holiday together.
Then we made our rounds to friends houses, to watch football games and mingle ( I really don't like football) but,I got to meet his boys ,their wives,significant and some not so significant others. All of them, seemed cool.

All and all it was another wonderful holiday. I thank God for my family, my friends, for opening my heart to the possibility of loving again. For my life.

Stay Blessed!

Praise Up

It's that time again. Thanksgiving, those of you that read this blog often know that this is my favorite holiday.I am in the kitchen now still cooking. I don't even mind. Two days ago I was at the hospital because my mother had a scare. Today I am in her kitchen and she is watching me cook. ( Standing guard). I am blessed. She is fine and I couldn't be happier . God has blessed this family with another holiday together I .
pray that each of you have a safe and enjoyable holiday. Eat , drink and be thankful for all you have. Love one another.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Stay Blessed!

I Honestly Love You

- And I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable
_ I'm not trying anything at all



I'm 41 years old. I'm trying really hard to remember my 18Th year of life. To remember that I thought that I know it all.That my shit didn't stink. And I basically remember thinking that my parents were crazy and trying to ruin my life.I try to remember that because I am now dealing with my 18 yr old nephew. I really do not have that many rules. I basically feel like you are not a baby anymore. You have to wash your own clothes and clean up after yourself because, there is no maid service here. I will cook but, try to keep up because It's not an everyday occurrence. I will help you as much as I can so long as you are doing what is necessary ( work or school) to get ahead in life. Of the "rules" respect is a major thing with me. As long as you are in my house...you guys know the rest. This is not a democracy.

I will not in anyway tolerate any type of disrespect of my home or my person. My nephew is quite a handful. He has inherited the " Wendy's Family Name" mouth. I know because I have it too. I've always had it. But, when it came to my parents, my elders; I knew I had to curb it ( or die) . My nephew has not come to an understanding on that.

Yesterday, we were at odds again and I actually had to put him out. I think that act hurt me more than him. But he has to learn to appreciate the things people do for him. I think because we spoiled him as a child, he thinks that is supposed to carry over into his adult life which,to tell the truth,it probably would have had he done the things we asked of him. But as I have explained , he wanted to be a little thug instead. So, my family does not reward bad behavior, grades etc. But he remembers the sweeter side of life, and it almost seems to me that because he is in our 'good graces' again he "expects" us to just do for him. Well that ship has sailed. I am willing to help those who help themselves.


I have not been as angry as I was yesterday in quite some time. I do not want to be in that place. Or let me say I will not be in that place. Not in my own home. At 6:30, this morning, I let the child/young man in. He was cold, hungry and hopefully humbled. I can't say I didn't worry but, this was needed.I have spoken my peace, I have prayed and now I have to let God do the rest. He knows how much I love this kid.









"

Can you stand the Rain

As stated my nephew has returned to my life. He was away for three years. When he left it wasn't under the best circumstance. He was heading on a path that our family did not approve of.So rather than be in or visit my family members in jail, we asked my nephew, what could we do to change the things happening in your life right now? What would make you happy right now? Being that my family raised him he was under the impression that the grass may be greener if he went to live with his mother.Partly because, although we never approved of his mother ways; I can honestly say that we never bad mouthed her in front of him.There was a reason he was with us but sometimes people need to find out the truth themselves.

So now that he has returned, he is a little older, hopefully wiser and fully aware of why he did not live with his mother the first fifteen years of his life. I can see the change in him. I hear him in our conversations and I read into what he is not saying. I know it was rough. Many a day I wanted to go get him. I wanted to drive up there and kick his mothers ass. But still felt that he needed to understand. He needed to be grateful for the "family" he had. He needed to see the difference in being loved and wanted and just being.

My mother took his absence the hardest. Like all her children she worried about him. I think she worried more though because we knew from jump what it would be like, where he was going. Knowing her pain was the hardest thing for me to deal with. But we made it. I feel although he is only 18 he understands now, that the rules that were in place were there to protect him. I pray the trails he has gone through has strengthened him. . I pray for his safety. He has his whole life ahead of him and so much potential, I pray he realizes this.

You Got Me

I know, I have been commenting on blogs sporadically please forgive me I have a lot going on this month.Since taking this position 8 months ago I have been enlightened on a few things. I really undercut myself on the pay, but if you don't know, you don't.I will take that blame for not doing my homework. There were 4 people in this position in the last year. Hmm,things that make you say WTF? Can everyone be wrong?
No they can't. I understand why the ran away screaming. But on other days when a client stops in and says something to brighten my day. It seems worth it. Wendy loves the kids. Anyway, never the quitter I am hangin'in.

In other news...I have blogged about the relationship my brother and I had for most of our lives. I contribute it now to the fact that we are both stubborn and spoiled. But last week my brother confided in me some things he wanted his big sisters opinion on. It touched me. All this time, I thought the boy needed meds. Turns out,he doesn't. Ain't God good?

I got some bad news from the doctor last week. For a very short while I was down. But baby I'm back!. So I am saying and TYPING aloud. THE DEVIL IS A LIAR! I have things to do.

Can R please stop releasing gospel songs around his court dates? If he was stepping in the name of God he wouldn't have these problems.Nuff said...

We Are Family

Today my parents are coming for lunch. I asked them over for dinner. But my father feels if he is out after 6p.m. he will have to shoot someone. My father is the original Angry man, He has mellowed over the years but even at 69 he will still kick ass and take names. We've had our difficulities, but I've come to realize that it's just because we are so much alike. Today he will talk about things I already know ( because he has told me) about my home and safety. He will remind me I should lose weight and that I should really make an earnest effort to quit smoking altogether and stop bullshitting with my life. <- his words. I will say that I know, agree with him and hopefully he will let it rest.

My mother will try to redecorate my home. Telling me how whatever would look so much better over here or there. I will of course disagree. She will also talk about her head so bad that I will be hoodwinked into doing it for her. I really don't mind. I love her to death and have spoiled her rotten. I guess turns go round. She will mention my weight too. But not as bluntly as my father. She will joke about it.

My brother will join in. I have to say in this family you need a thick skin because we are not tongue biters. My brother will bring his daughter and I will try to make some sense of what she is saying. I thought that speed french she spoke was cute at 3 and 4 but now, at almost 9 that shit is bordering on the special.
I miss my sis the most, she is the most wonderful, selfless, artistic, beautiful person I know. And I'm not saying this because she has patterned herself after me. I say it because it's the truth and I miss her laughter when my family is all together.

I am blessed to have them all in my life. Even when they work the one nerve I have left. I know it's all love.

I need to walk more, I knew that already but, this weekend really let me know how much. While walking down South St. in Philly, looking for a spoken word Cafe named Tootie's my back suddenly decided to disconnect from my body. I don't know when it decided to, but it screamed defiantly, " I'M OUT! I'M NOT TAKING ANOTHER STEP!" I was bent over in front of a store praying for a seat, ANYWHERE. I wanted to cry. It was so embarrassing. Then, Sabastian takes my arm and tries to help me along, like some old woman. I wished the earth could open up. My brother,sister and nephew ( family yanno?) , no help at all. They had... jokes, but that's okay. At that point, I did not care. I did not laugh. I had walked 15 blocks and I couldn't take another step if I wanted to. The furthest I walk, is to my car. My back is hurting thinking about it. I have learned my lesson. I will start walking again. Besides, THE WALK , the trip was a good one. She is happy so am I. I didn't cry... My brother ( Mario Andretti) , got us home in record time. He has the need for speed. I didn't complain... much. This is a good time for us...blessings all around.

Sunday comes so quickly... I had a good week. In spite of the litte adventures this week. My funny Valentines day. You make it harder than it has to be...and I can't tell you why. My sis will be moving in two weeks. I'm going to miss her, but it's time. I like the new just do it! commercial.I just thought of that, because I am thinking of her. Just do it! I watched the show Cheaters last night. People never cease to amaze me. Just when you think your life is crazy...

I call my parents everyday...EVERYDAY...Not because I have to. I want to. I went to bed late...well it was another day. So today I slept and slept . Wouldn't you know the one day that I did this, was the day they actually called me and they couldn't reach me? Given the circumstances I understand them wondering why I did not call...but... I am a very hard sleeper. I know it's something I conditioned myself to because when I lived at home... my people like to get up EARLY and make lots of noise. For no particular reason. Not normal early either, 5-6 am .So if I am asleep..I don't wake up to any noise, except my alarm clock. Not the phone, not the door...nothing. Thank goodness I don't have children. DSS would surely have carted them away by now. Today... My parents..you must understand that I am the oldest of the children but.. the baby. They went straight to flip mode. MOM: Why didn't you call us back? I was worried...We thought something happened to you. That was so unlike you. DAD: I'm not speaking to you right now because you worried your mother ( him too). BROTHER AND SISTER: Pointing, laughing, holding hands, swaying and saying things like " you started it..now your in trouble". ME: I call my parents everyday... EVERYDAY...not because I have to.I want to.