Wives and Lovers

Hey, little girl,
Comb your hair, fix your make-up.
Soon he will open the door.
Don't think because
There's a ring on your finger,
You needn't try any more

For wives should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
I'm warning you.- Dionne Warwick

The first time I could ever remember hearing this song was while watching the movie 'The First Wives Club'. I'm sure I've heard it before  but its the first time I actually listened to words as they related to the picture. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, it's about three ( Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, and Diane Keaton) women who come together after the suicide of their college friend. This friend, killed herself because her husband left her for a younger woman. She couldn't live with the fact that he no longer wanted her, so she threw herself off her Manhatten balcony. Soon after all three women find themselves in the same predicament as their lost friend. But instead  of killing themselves they decide to make there husbands pay, by killing them. Okay... so they didn't really plan to kill them, that's my spin on it, they planned to make them pay in the wallet. I liked it.

The chorus of the song is true. Women do get comfortable in their lives they feel they've already landed the man so why should they do anything extra. Afterall, they are married, and feel as though their man 'Ain't going nowhere'. We all know this assumption is not true because men do go, it happens all day,everyday. This song was a fitting title  for this post not because of the wives who become comfortable in their relationships, but the lovers. I call the lovers, the girlfriends who are content being girlfriends while doing everything a wife should do. I was once guilty  of this very thing. Women share  households, bills, cars and even children but never the name. Initially, it was not my plan  when I entered into a new relationship  after my divorce to stay with him as long as I did. I just wanted to have fun , but the more time I spent with him  I began to love him. After years together I thought we should be married ,he said he did too. But he didn't, and our relationship began to suffer.  I'm not placing blame on him or I. We just wanted different things and the expectation of marriage was never on the table. But as I look at the time that I spent doing everything married people do. I wonder why women become so complacent. Why do we not demand a ring anymore? Why are willing to give so much of our time and energy to relationships  that will not lead to a marriage? Is it because we fear losing the man we love? That was the case with me when the M word was mentioned. I say if you are willing to do so many things together why not marry? Why do we allow ourselves to commit to men who are non-comittal to us? I may never have the answer but it is a question that I think women need to start asking themselves. He loves your cooking, your style,your sex, everything about you. He doesn't want to even think of you being with anyone else but cannot marry you. What is that about?I have long ago decided that the very next time I live with a man it will be my husband and I'm not saying to  women that you shouldn't EVER live with a man. I believe its essential to couples to know if they can live together. What I am saying is the lovers should be wives too . However  you have to make that clear this is what you desire  in the beginning otherwise you will end up hurt  because your expectation wasn't expressed early on. Once you let your desires be known and he openly says that is not his intention,please believe him and cut your loses.You won't change him. Why should you  try to build a life with man who is unwilling to build one with you? And stop letting him call you his wifey, your not. 

So Gone

Ok I am still getting used to this new blogger set up.AGAIN anyway, I was watching Dr. Phil today, don't know why but I was. There was a black ( african american) couple that he was trying to assist with some marital issues. Both, were attractive people. Both seemed to be intelligent, and rational . On Stage...at home there were some serious abuse going on. The woman claimed her husband was cheating and that she had  found different women's numbers in his phone listed under guy names. She had also caught him online with women and he even  hid a picture under their mattress that she found and when asked about it. He said " Oh, dear that is just a women I met online. She sent  it too me. It means nothing  to me" Shhhhhh... The husband claimed  that she had a wandering eye. He claimed that she always flirted with other men in front of him and she was the one not to be trusted. He claimed that she even forced him to have " inspections" when he came home ( Really?) So of  course,they would get into major arguments, sometimes physical  and as far as he could remember he had even spit into her face. TWICE... You didn't hear me. TWICE. 

Lord I thank you because I swear I am not the jail type, but some things I am sure will have me real close to serving time.

This couple has 4 children and the wife stated she wanted to seek Dr. Phil's help because she wanted her family. She wanted her husband to trust her and wanted their marriage to work. All the while the husband appeared indifferent. I understand, anyone who had ever been in love wants this. No one enters into a relationship especially marriage  thinking OK,I'm going to give this six months. Unless you happened to be named  Kim or Evelyn. But that is a blog for another day.  No one wants their families broken up but when is enough, enough? When do you realize that this is not worth it. Children are smart. Especially these children growing up now.Do you really think they don't notice when mom and dad are at odds?. Do you really think you are hiding it from them.? As parents what examples are you setting for children ? Abuse is abuse  whether its physical, mental, or verbal. Of course Phil was unable to resolve  the issue in this one hour and offered further counsel. I'm just wondering why it takes people so long to realize some things don't need saving. Sometimes you just have to let go and be gone....

Be Blessed Peeps!!!

Obama 2012!! Vote!!!!

Loving You

Happy Valentines Day!!!
Silly me, I asked a few gentlemen if they are ready for Valentines day. I got an ear full. Of how "the man" has made this holiday up. ( Aren't they all man made?) and how this is a day for women and men are made to feel badly if they don't get their wives or girlfriends SOMETHING. They went on and on about how they are doing it everyday for their wives and girlfriends and how this day shouldn't be any different from any other. How this day is for the suckers, who made mistakes and this is a day to make up for those mistakes. BULLSHIT!!!, I say. My parents were married for over 50 years and my father NEVER missed this holiday. My mom has been deceased nearly two years and my father still bought a card and placed it next to her Urn. What is wrong with a day all about LOVE? What is so wrong with acknowledging it even more so today? They argued they paid the mortgage, they paid the light bill. WTH??? Don't you live there too?I'm not taking anything away from the men/women holding it down and doing their things. I'm just saying there is nothing wrong with celebrating that love you have for one another today. Whether it be with gifts or not.Spending quality time together I'm sure would be appreciated by many more than flowers or candy. Watching the kids while you go out. Or even washing the dishes after our meal . It doesn't have to be monetary. That is where I think the confusion comes in with men.If you are really doing all the right things, then even to women this is just another day. But we are sentimental creatures and a card( bought or made. a poem or even an " I love you" written on the steamed up mirror will pull at our heartstrings. With all that is going on in the world, we need to grab every chance we can get to say I love you and you mean something to me.It's not just for women, we are just more appreciative of it, I think. I just don't know how this day became so negative to so many.

Give It To Me Baby

It's the men against the women again. Sort of...while having a discussion about Kobe and his wife the men began shouting. " She's a trifling bitch!!" " Another.."Why does she deserve half his money and a three estates?". Another shouted " He got robbed". But the discussion took a different turn when the women began to chime in. " Yes, getit girl", "That's right she deserved it, she put up with his ass for 10yrs." "She has his babies". Now keep in mind that there are only black women and men having this discussion and it came to an immediate shouting match when one of the men said. " That's why black men want white women, ya'll always trying to take money from us that you don't deserve?" WTF... Are white women immune to divorce, alimony and child support? What kind of statement is that. Ignorant that's what it was. White women have been getting half for years. And just a side note...Kobe's wife isn't a black woman. Do I agree with half, well as a matter of fact I don't. But, I do think that his wife and children should remain accoustomed to the lifestyle that he gave them. In certain cases where the man, is the cause ( because he cheats or just ups and decides that he needs a newer model) Hell yeah, she gets to get half , for putting up with his scandalous ass for years!!! He broke the contract, the only one that really counts the MARRIAGE contract, so in that case it should cause him half. Now back to this idiot. If you want to be with a white woman that is your choice. There is nothing wrong with it. No one can help who they love. However, do not blame black women for your choice. I'm tired of this cop out that black women are hard to get along with, angry, stubborn or whatever else you dig out. Women are women all over the world. We all have a good and bad side. We all go through bullshit with our men. We all get tired. Black women are not the only ones. Perhaps, we are quicker to come to the light and not take your bullshit. But,that's only logical.

Damn, the struggle continues...

Reunited

Hello people! Hope all is well in your lives.This weekend I had the opportunity to hang with my very first love. The one who I knew I would marry and we would have the house the white picket fence and 2. 5 kids. We even had names picked out. Yeah, he broke my heart.The one who..well you know. It's hard to believe I've been knowing this man for over 30 years. Been away from him for almost as long and we fit right back in together like we never left. It was fun to reminisce about our young lives and how much fun and trouble we used to get into.He turned out to be a very nice man. I knew he would. He was a very nice boy. I took him to meet the parents again..well... now that he doesn't have to run for his life. He still broke out in a sweat though.That was funny as hell. My parents don't even beat people up anymore. (they will shoot though)

I think it's great when you have such an impact on a persons life. They never forget you.They always wonder about you and what you are doing. Many people don't get that chance. I'm glad I did. Reach out to someone you haven't seen in a while. It's great for the soul. Stay blessed!

Summertime

It's March. It is March and as I watch the snow melt out of my driveway you know that I am thinking...WTH. Talk about March Madness. Not only is it snowing, its cold here. I long for the sun beating on my head. For sweat, yes the kind that comes from just being too damn hot.(Not working out).I long for long days and short nights. For riding with my car windows down, or with my air conditioner on. Oh wait...the news says it's going to be 75 here this weekend...wth !!!

Pneumonia weather is what my grandmother called it. Still, I wish it would make up it's mind and just decide on warm, maybe even hot.

Other than the freezing of thine ass, my love life is holding on by a thread.Although, I have chosen to forgive his mother ( as I said I would from the beginning, I just don't forget) something is still missing. From our conversations, our time together is strained. Or at least that is how I am feeling. I try to express what I am feeling and I don't think I am getting through. And I am a great communicator. It's almost as if he wants to pretend that it never happen. Seriously, because now that I think about it, if it was mentioned I'm the one that brought the subject up.

You all know that I have asked God to grant me patience. And he has, I am soooo much better than I was. But, I also have ADD and I didn't ask for help with that and right now, I'm feeling antsy...the struggle continues....

Stay Blessed!!!

Dear Momma-Funny Valentines

Happy Valentines Day!

This post is going to be a bit unusual. This is not a post for my mother. Although I love her to death.I am involved with someone and happy with him. When we first started seeing each other we mentioned some things about our families. He did admit that his mother was crazy. ( yeah, I know we all have a crazy in the fam). I have my own drama with a family member so I know. But I never in a million years thought he really meant crazy. Straight jacket, need to be locked away for your own good CRAZY.

With out going into too much detail, I will say the events of this past week have shocked me. It began with a simple valentines gift and ended with me being called every thing, every thing but a child of God. I have never been involved with anyone and not gotten along with their parents. Mothers love me. Even after break ups they keep in touch. Wonder what the hell is wrong with their children, why'd they let me get away. So for this to be the case now is really new to me. I knew he was a mommas boy, an only child. But, DAMN his mother ( Who by the way was so in love with me last week) flipped so hard I thought I was in a remake of THE EXORCIST. And although this woman disrespected me in the worst way, I held my ground. I took the high road and what good would come from beating up an old woman?

The only thing that bothers me now is where will this lead us?( him and I) because although I can forgive. I will never forget.(Not even when her other personality resurfaces). And you can't really ask someone to choose between their own nutty as a fruitcake mother and you. Because it's his Mother.The struggle continues...

Enjoy this day, Stay Blessed!

My Funny Valentine

Today, someone crossed my mind that I haven't thought of a while. I'm thinking it was because Valentines day is coming. We had very good Valentines. He was a very good man period, hardworking and educated with a sense of humor to boot.Although he was no Denzel, he wasn't Flav either. I met him shortly after I started dating again after my divorce. I wasn't trying to settle down.I was too young or so I thought, to be bogged down in a "relationship" again. I wanted to have fun. Not to mention he was looking for a mother for his kid and I definitely didn't want to become instant mom at that time. I wanted to tell him, I did. But if I want to be completely honest here I wasn't woman enough, yet. I thought I could play. I ended up hurting a great guy.

The next time I saw him was at my brothers wedding.He happens to be related to my sister-in-law(the world is so small!) Always a gentleman he carried on polite conversation but, gave me the look.... Ladies you know the look. The one that makes you do a double take and think in your head ( Oh, it still like that?!!!) But, I had a frog...a big frog. Probably the bigggest damn frog ever!!!!, at the time. Who I thought was my Prince Charming ,so I brushed the look off and we parted ways again.

The last time I saw him, maybe a couple of years ago now, he was a marrried man, expecting his third child and living well. Although I really hurt him all those years before, his smile was genuine when he saw me. I was happy for him, for his happiness. I felt,well forgiven for the wrong I'd done.


I was just wondering about him today; as we do when we think of the ones that got away. Praying that he is still blessed and that maybe one day I will have the opportunity to meet someone like this again.

Ohh Lalala

Being I have been complaining, some of my girls have decided to "hook" me up. These are people who are supposed to know me, and yet they don't know me. You know?

Coworker M- decided I should met her cousin, how many times have you,people I have never met in my life read here"YOU MUST HAVE ALL YOUR TEETH???!!!" This is not an option. So dude shows up, he's dressed nice. He smells nice.Then he opens his mouth and the left side is just missing in action. Teeth just gone. And dude has adjusted to this and has trained his lip to try and cover it.So he looks sort of like looting lenny to me. And I'm waiting for him to say "Psst, can I holla at you for a minute". He was nice enough on the phone. But I couldn't get beyond the missing teeth.Are you kidding me? Keep it moving Brah, keep it moving. When I asked M had she lost her mind, she looked a little pissed. But damn, don't show me pics of your people from back in the day and present day is tore the hell up.

My girl L- Now this is what I am talking about. She is feeling me. Brotha had it going on. Currectly has a MD after his name and currently working towards adding esquire. Yes!!! I ain't saying I'm a golddigger. So we decide to meet for drinks, damn this dude boring. I mean dayaaaaaam, it was all I could do to keep from falling off the stool. When I went to the bathroom, I was ready to start a fire so they could evacuate the restaurant. Brotha had no conversation beyond his work. See, I told you I'm not a GD.

So I figured I would have to just go back to doin' me. Because my folks were obviously confused. I decided to go to the movies with Dude I met at the gas station. I need to get over "pretty boys" for real. This playa, kept trying to convince me to come back to his place. How many times do I have to say it Damn! I'm just so damn pretty ( I am) and he just didn't want the date to end. Do I have UMFUFU written on my forehead? In what lifetime would I come back to your place to talk? You couldn't possibly have anymore to say because you talked enough during the damn movie. I wished I had an eject button. His ass would have been airborne.

The struggle continues....

Fairytales

While reading in the blogosphere,I was reminded by Blujewel
of the woes of the dating game. Sometimes we as women get caught up in the fairytale.Most young girls dream of a prince ( so to speak) their own personal princes' coming to sweep them off their feet.Dating becomes harder because of the fairytale. Once we believe that we have connected with a person, we look for the next level. We want to define ourselves. Who am I to you? If we believe he is our Prince, well then I must be your Princess. But because of agenda,timing, gameplay, whatever the reason sometimes we just disconnect. The reality is there are no princes, there aren't always happy endings. When we realize this we are caught off guard, because we believe in our heart of hearts that if we do all the things needed to make our relationships work then everything will be fine. How many of our girlfriends have we listened to, and how many have listened to us going over where it went wrong? Sometimes there just isn't an answer dammit. You did everything right, you just happened to be with a toad. So what do we do? We walk around with one damn glass slipper searching for the prince again because we are holding fast to the fairytale. Heartbreak is a powerful thing. No one wants to be hurt. For some it breaks not only the heart but also the spirit.We as women have to ugh...for lack of a better term "man up". We have to stop letting our hearts be our guides because the aren't always on point. Being the more sensitive sex allows us, to forgive and forget more easily, all in the name of love. Let go of the Princess and become the Queen. How powerful I am? Once you realize this you free yourself. You will not allow toxic relationships to continue because you love yourself. You will not be so desperate for companionship that we will lower your bar and settle for whatever comes your way. You will not compromise your beliefs.You will not attract a prince,with his limited power but a King, who appreciates you and all your glory. Your story will be your own. And you will smash all the fairytales and that one slipper to pieces.

I just love the man

Denzel is too fine. He is getting better with age. I just spent the past two hours with him. Just he and I having our quality time. I love just watching this man walk. I'm no stalker. I say again, I am no stalker. But,I could easily become one for him. Now, I'm going to go pray on this. Stay Blessed and go see this movie. Bootleggers are running rampant!

Somewhere

Rant- Michael Baisden of radio and now televsion "Baisden After Dark". Asked this question on his late night program on TVone. Do you believe that men are incapable of being monogamous? 99.999999 percent of the women in the audience said no.His response was, if women truly believe that then why are we so upset when a man cheats.One of the panelist, sorry I forget her name stated there is also something called free-will. Which I totally agree with. Am I to excuse a man for his transgression simply because of his gender. Hell NO!!!, I expect to be treated with the same respect that I give you. I expect to be honored. I expect that when a man tells me that we are in a relationship that he will do all he needs to keep that relationship strong. I expect that if he should see something else he wants to try to he will come to me and tell me so, then let me decide if I want to be involved in a threesome.9 (That would be another Hell No but tellme anyway).Everyday women are tempted, everyday we smile politely and say no thank you, I have a husband/man. Hell I even make up men. Why can't men do the same? Why can't they be content with what they have.Simply because your testosterone levels are higher? So, women with mustaches or beards cheat more than woman with no facial hair? This is not a gender flaw that is psychological. Men have been conditioned to this way of thinking. If we taught our girls the same way then, we could say that women aren't capable of being monogamous.What it really is, is BS with a capital B. I am so sick of men using this tired excuse to wreck havoc in women's lives. Why don't we try to teach our young men that its not cool to bed everyone woman who is willing. It's not cool to deceive people. STD's aren't cool, heartbreak isn't cool. Multiple baby mamas' is not cool. Soon these poor kids won't be able to date anyone, anyway because they will all be related. Why can't we try to raise young men to be chivalrous, honorable men. Why can't we instill the same values in young men, we hammer into young women?

Ok, there are some treacherous, scandalous women too. I know. Women who do not care what relationship that man is in so long as he does for her. These women sadly do not care enough about themselves to look for honorable men. They are willing, to settle for whatever because they do not have the esteem or the mindset that they are worth more. I can only pity these women and pray that they wake up.

Enough said...single me.I can't forgive and forget repeatedly.I don't have the desire or capcity to tolerate bullshit. So, single I will remain,if that's all there is.

Does anyone else find it despicable that Monopoly now comes with a ATM cash card? Do we need to dummy down our children anymore?

Daydreaming

Everyday when I get my coffee from the store;I see this guy, he is absolutely gorgeous. We have come to the point now where we are conversing with each other ( About how long and horrible our days will be and coffee). He is 6'3-4, chocolate, slim waist, mustache, goatee, long eyelashes. Yes, I have checked him out. I've never been the type to approach men. But for this brother I was re thinking that. Today while we were passing creamers to each other I noticed a BAND on his finger. DAMN,DAMN,DAMN! Where the hell did that come from? I didn't even want to talk to him anymore. Believe me when I say it wasn't there before because that is one of the first things I look for. But I just had to know, so I casually asked "How long have you been married"? He said 2 years, 2 very long years. I said "Come on, it's better than being single". His face said otherwise. For me things changed.

I take it from his response that the ring wasn't there all along because he removes it. I only wonder why he stays married if he is so miserable? Why bring the drama into your life or someone else's? I'm glad I didn't approach him now. My daydreams with him are fading. All I can imagine now is a WIFE...

Slowly,Surely

Since I decided to end a relationship that wasn't going were I thought it should go, I've missed him. I miss the time that we shared. Normally this is where I give in to the madness and answer his calls.Now is when he's thinking that he has given me enough time to calm myself. Truthfully, when I hear his voice I want to pick up the phone so badly. I want to tell him come on over. I want to spend time and have extraordinary make- up sex. But I'm being firm. I meant exactly what I told him, it was exactly how I felt. Like my life was being put on hold for him. I promised myself, that I would never do that to myself again. So why does it hurt so bad?. I was at a point where I so miserable, at a point where it felt like pulling teeth to have a decent conversation.Trying to be understanding to his needs and not so harsh. ( As I am told I can be). And I can be. I know that. But enough for me was enough. Now that I've had enough he wants to the person that I wanted all along. He has time to listen and he "understands' how selfish he was. I find myself believing him., but I don't know if it's really the fact that I want to believe him or because it's the truth. I can't chance it. I'm not talking about a minimal amount of time spent with this man. He had years to see me for who I am. Years to understand the makings of me. Years to see the relationship was one he didn't want to lose. Years I feel now wasted. I don't have the time anymore. I won't be singing "I just love the man" around the house. Although, sometimes I want to, but in time I will be fine.

I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sour-sweet days
I will lament and love.


—from "Bitter-Sweet" by George Herbert

One Thing

Of the things I find sexy in a man, the thing I find the most irresistable is a brother who is well spoken. When a man speaks and knows what he is talking about. Lawd. I come apart. Not to be confused with a a man who just talks alot. I'm not talking about a man who thinks he knows every damn thing and won't shut the hell up. I'm speaking of a man who has the ability to listen and then comment. I'm speaking of a man who commands the room when he speaks. Not someone who is brash or condesending. Someone that people want to hear.They are interested in what he as to say. I'm speaking of a man who has me grabbing a dictionary because I don't KNOW the word he just used. This type of man leaves me shaking. He doesn't have to be attractive to the eye, because his mind feeds my soul. ...With that said...

BARACK OBAMA



Whew.... I know , he's married...but Damn!!He was on Oprah today and this is yet another time that I am kicking myself for not having TiVo.

Butterflies

I was having a bad day and I'm sure my face said so. I had just decided to upgrade my computer and after listening to one of my crazy ass friends and believing her when she told me " Girl you can do it yourself" and damn near blowing myself and my computer to smithereens ( All is well). I discovered I needed a new graphics card to go along with my new hardware' money... So, I went to Best Buy to search for one, that's all I wanted. Really...What he said was 'smile' I didn't really hear him the first time. So he said it again and I glared at him. " Who pissed you off?" Still in a bad mood..I said "Why?" So he walked off. Just walked away. I guess he said this MAD BLACK WOMAN is not worth the trouble. I felt bad because he was only trying to be friendly, but I had another task at hand. So, it was finally my turn to be waited on and I explained to the clerk what I was in need of. Mr. Happy returned and interrupted the clerk because he was not giving me the correct information. He informed me that he rebuilds computers and the graphics card Mr. Best Buy was recommending would not work in my old ass computer. I thanked him.

He then gave his name and his business card. I happily accepted because a working computer was what I needed and QUICK!!!Each time I speak to this brother, he is in a better mood than when I spoke to him last. Tonight the conversation moved from computers to personal...it took long enough.... Stay tuned...

Ran into an ex today. Didn't mean to. He just spotted me before I could make my getaway. He waved hello and I waved back and kept walking. Why would anyone think this was a invitation to come over and attempt to converse? I just want to get my cucumbers for this salad I don't want to eat and go home. Yes, I'm still here, breathing. Imagine that. No, I haven't heard from your cousin...she owes me money,stole my property.Why on earth would she call? I don't care if you FINALLY got the divorce you told me you had when we met. No, I will not call you. I haven't in fours years...Any bells going off yet? Poof !...On a brighter note, those cowards I used to work for dropped their suit...That was smart. However, I will not be dropping mine. Why? 1) Because I have suffered far more than anyone should have to. 2) I have enough evidence to keep them in court for years to come. Wiz moment....So you wanted to meet the Wizard?

Men... I went on a date with a guy. One date. We didn't click. He was a nice enough fellow just not for me. I then introduced him to one of my girls. I thought they would hit it off because they shared some of the same interest. They dated a few times and as far as I knew, all was well. Tonight he called and we're talking about my girl. He asked if I knew when she was coming back to Charlotte, he hadn't seen her online, etc. Then he lost his mind. Somewhere between hello and when he said... So when are WE going out again? HUH? Maybe I'm crazy but... If I wanted to date you would I have set you up with my friend? I'm certain that's a NO. That's a HELL NO . I said a few things, the nice version being when hell freezes over and hung up. Men...