Everywhere

My mother passed away on a Friday. April 30th, 2010.From brain cancer. It has taken me some time to be able to come here and type that. I think I am perhaps still in shock, maybe denial. I know I am self diagnosing.Good days and bad so I may also rant here. But follow me if you can. This has always been my answer. I write it all down, it's soothing to me. I had the most wonderful mother on earth, not only the most selfless person you would ever encounter,but just a beautiful human being. I am so thankful to God for her life. For being her child. For giving me 43 years with this amazing woman. Everything that I am and will ever be is because of her. I see her more in my face now, I hear her voice saying you will be okay baby, trust God.Pray.But,this is so hard.For all of us.I'm watching my father and praying for strength for him,because she was his childhood sweetheart and he is broken. I see her everywhere. In everything I do, my mannerisms. My feet, my hands, my face. I have so many good memories, and that is some comfort.I know it's my own selfishness that wants her back, because she was suffering.And I know she is in a better place. She was my friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my hero and she loved me without condition. I never doubted that and it gives me so much joy to know she knew how much we loved her. She had a husband and three children who worshiped her. She was a strong woman, much stronger than me. She endured so much physical pain and even to her last breath still concerned for us. Always truthful with us, she didn't pull any punches but her advice came from love. And her upbringing molded us, she was proud of us. She was proud of her 53 year marriage and I miss her so much it hurts. My sister wrote this poem which we printed on her obituary. It sums everything I feel, we feel, up. I love you Mrs. Patricia Skinner forever and ever. You're everywhere I am.



I can't even recoginize what gone from me means or what's in between the seen and unseen.

Much like, but not just like God I know you will never leave me, but the aching is insanity.

I've never felt broken into so many pieces, all I am is pieces. Pieces that can't be identified of justified. Pieces soaked in sadness, sprinkled with madness and wrought with love from earth and above.

I know you're busy transitioning and haven't yet begun to practice listening, protecting or visting because it's still such a new thing.

I look forward to your spirit life, and I can't wait to see how your new wings look in my dreams or however you choose to show them to me,I know you'll fit them perfectly, as I reflect this thought with certainty. An angel certainly.

Father Can You Hear Me

Today my mother will get the results of her latest radiation treatment. She was diagnosed with brain cancer Christmas eve. I can see the fight still in her. I can see her trying to come back. But she isn't there yet, and she probably won't ever be. The seizure she suffered did some damage to her motor skills, her memory. I pray for strength , that I know my family will need at this time in our lives. I pray for courage, not only to carry her through but for my father as well who is taking this hardest. I know everything happens for a reason and I am still trying to undetrstand why it has to be my mother. I know people say this all the time but she is incredible. So, however I have to have her here I will. I just need a little more time dear God, just a little more time.

What Are You Doing New Years Eve?

Although I have not participated much this year, know that I miss you guys and I wish each of you a very happy,prosperous,joyful, healthy and loving NEW YEAR.Stay Blessed!!

Reunited

Hello people! Hope all is well in your lives.This weekend I had the opportunity to hang with my very first love. The one who I knew I would marry and we would have the house the white picket fence and 2. 5 kids. We even had names picked out. Yeah, he broke my heart.The one who..well you know. It's hard to believe I've been knowing this man for over 30 years. Been away from him for almost as long and we fit right back in together like we never left. It was fun to reminisce about our young lives and how much fun and trouble we used to get into.He turned out to be a very nice man. I knew he would. He was a very nice boy. I took him to meet the parents again..well... now that he doesn't have to run for his life. He still broke out in a sweat though.That was funny as hell. My parents don't even beat people up anymore. (they will shoot though)

I think it's great when you have such an impact on a persons life. They never forget you.They always wonder about you and what you are doing. Many people don't get that chance. I'm glad I did. Reach out to someone you haven't seen in a while. It's great for the soul. Stay blessed!

Never Would Have Made It

Yesterday was my fathers 72nd birthday. I am so blessed to say that. I wasn't given the opportunity to really appreciate how blessed yesterday, because our family was hit with some hard news. My brothers best friend, killed himself. Even as I type these words I find it so very hard to believe.I was already hurt by the fact that he was gone, but my brother is the one who found him. I believe that hurt me even more because I couldn't imagine having to find my best friend dead. I can't imagine finding anyone dead. But for someone I love,it would devastate me.

People always say. " Just know that they aren't suffering anymore" That is what I pray for most. I pray that he is not suffering. I pray that whatever it was that led him to take his own life is truly over now. The hardest thing I know for me will be watching my brother go through this. I hurt more, because I hurt for him. But this too will pass.

I'm trying to be strong, I haven't spoken a word to him. Not yet because I know when I talk to him or see him I will fall apart. I have been blessed enough in my life not to know death. Not to have to miss love ones or bury them. I have only attended 1 funeral in my life. This will be the second.

I thank God for delivering me from my pain. For seeing me through when I couldn't see. For making a way, when there was no way. For giving me the strength I needed to go on. I pray he is at peace.

Live your life to the fullest Stay Blessed!

You've Changed

I know that it has been a minute since I was last here. I have been really busy with work and moving and just getting my life back in order. Since the last time that I wrote there hasn't been any major issues. I am still dating, but no longer in a relationship. (So to speak). Yet, I remain hopeful that I will find my soulmate. God just isn't done with me. I have been feeling lately that I need to do more with my life. I need to be more active in my community. I need to reach out to some of these kids. Try to make a difference. I'm just feeling like I am stuck. You all know that's not me.

My family is well. My father will be 72 years old tomorrow. I am blessed to have both of my parents. I appreciate their wisdom and guidance to this day. My brother and sister and the rest of the clan are fine. ( Although, my sis still refuses to have a kid) I'm going to give her another year.

So I am back to writing again. Sorry I have been away so long. I hope you all are doing ok. I pray we all prosper.

Until soon...be blessed!

Gone To Soon

I am in shock. Utter disbelief. The King of Pop, Mr. Michael Jackson is gone. May his family be strengthened during this time. Think of him what you may, you can never take away the fact that he was a musical icon, whose talents entertained us for decades. Rest in peace Mr. Jackson.

My Man

Today I fell out with one of my closes friends. Why? Her man, not mine hers. I hate to fall out with anyone but especially when it's foolishness. By the way, I have kicked my man to the curb. It just wasn't working out and NO it wasn't me. Back to me and my friend.

I spoke to someone and told them the whole scenario and they feel that I am correct. I feel that i am correct. I just have to get my friend to see that I am correct. She is a bit stubborn and I am too and I love her , but shit. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Her man was dead wrong. ( Nothing like trying to approach me or anything like that) but the situation was wrong. So in an effort to get him to think about the situation I spoke with her. It's amazing how friends can flip. I understand that it is her man and she has to keep her home happy, but damn don't flip on me. That is all that I am saying.

I am saying if you see he is wrong don't try to rationalize no crazy shit. PERIOD!!!

Slow Down

I must be losing my mind. In the past two weeks, I have lost my make-up case( left on a counter)as I removed it to get to my wallet. And who wants used make-up? You'd be surprised. Because when I went back to the counter it was gone.Two pair of earrings and then my wallet. Well, my wallet was stolen but,I still feel like it was my fault for not paying more attention to my pocketbook. Foolishly, I thought it was "safe". I hate to lose anything, ANYTHING!!! and most times I am very careful of my surroundings and my personal belongings. The process that I've gone through to cancel and replace my things will be another blog for another day.

I just have too much on my plate right now. Too many irons in the fire and I think I am getting burned out and scatterbrained. We all know that combination never works out for the best. I feel like, I'm hurried and thinking but not thinking.

This is not me, I gotta slow down...

Stay Blessed

Summertime

It's March. It is March and as I watch the snow melt out of my driveway you know that I am thinking...WTH. Talk about March Madness. Not only is it snowing, its cold here. I long for the sun beating on my head. For sweat, yes the kind that comes from just being too damn hot.(Not working out).I long for long days and short nights. For riding with my car windows down, or with my air conditioner on. Oh wait...the news says it's going to be 75 here this weekend...wth !!!

Pneumonia weather is what my grandmother called it. Still, I wish it would make up it's mind and just decide on warm, maybe even hot.

Other than the freezing of thine ass, my love life is holding on by a thread.Although, I have chosen to forgive his mother ( as I said I would from the beginning, I just don't forget) something is still missing. From our conversations, our time together is strained. Or at least that is how I am feeling. I try to express what I am feeling and I don't think I am getting through. And I am a great communicator. It's almost as if he wants to pretend that it never happen. Seriously, because now that I think about it, if it was mentioned I'm the one that brought the subject up.

You all know that I have asked God to grant me patience. And he has, I am soooo much better than I was. But, I also have ADD and I didn't ask for help with that and right now, I'm feeling antsy...the struggle continues....

Stay Blessed!!!