Gotta Git Up

Vacation is coming and I can't wait. I like my job, I do. But, if I don't get away soon there is going to be some furniture movin'!!! I need this much deserved break. I'm going with braids again because I hear FL is hell hot and I do not want to be dealing with hair and heat, I know that would not be cute. My dad needs this most of all. He needs to get out of the house and enjoy himself. He needs to try to live again, without mom. The other day he hinted to me moving back home. That's not going to happen, I will make more time to spend with him, because I know he gets lonely. But, I need my space, my sanity depends on it. Hopefully he will understand that. I love him to pieces, but no can do.

Love Is You

Yesterday was my 45th birthday. I started it off with good friends toasting me and having a blast. I am blessed. Last year at this time I really was not in the mood to celebrate, anything... they say time heals all wounds. Although, I can't think of any amount of time that would heal this wound I am getting better. Stronger. I have so much love in my life. The love of family has sustained me physically and mentally. The love of friends both near and far has strengthened me. So I picked this song because I feel that I am love, so filled with love for others and so filled with love from others. Today, I feel so thankful to God for all that he has given me. For the things I overlook and forget to say "Thank you" for out loud. So Blessed!!!

Smile

It has been quite a year for me. I am coming to terms with the lost of my mom and realizing that she wouldn't want me to stay sad for so long. ( Easier said than done mommy) but day by day it's getting...bearable. I will always miss her but I carry her with me everyday.

My life has been filled with work. I guess I dove into it to take my mind away for a minute. But being work has really been getting on my nerves, I will have to find another outlet. So here I am with my old standby. Writing. Most of the blogs I used to follow have gone away. But,one thing about blogger...you can find new people with new thoughts. So I'm back ready to begin anew. I'm looking foward to it and I hope the things I have to say matter to some of you. If not, it matters to me. And its my blog!

So today, I smile...

Never

I miss my mom. Today more than ever. It'a strange if that is the correct word knowing she isn't here to share her delicious dishes, humor and love. I wish I could see her once more and tell her again how much I love her. I am thankful today because she did know how much I did, I'm thankful that she isn't suffering and she is somewhere smiling and saying "You made me happy Wendy" I know the type person she was she wouldn't want us to be sad. So today Mom, I will smile, celebrate and honor your memory. I love you. I always will. Happy Turkey day everyone, cherish this time with your family.

Time Will Reveal

Sometimes when I am alone I wait for her. My mother. Hoping like some movie she will magically appear like an angel. I can talk to her, maybe touch her again. She will follow me around and pop in and out of my car. Offer her advice and wisdom. I could make her laugh again until her hernia blows up and she would tell me to knock it off. God, I miss her. So many days I want to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about my crazy days, craZy friends. Her birthday is coming. I hear her saying celebrate her life." Don't be sad when I'm gone because I enjoyed my life and I would do it all over again" I hear it. And I know eventually I will get to that place, just not yet.

Everywhere

My mother passed away on a Friday. April 30th, 2010.From brain cancer. It has taken me some time to be able to come here and type that. I think I am perhaps still in shock, maybe denial. I know I am self diagnosing.Good days and bad so I may also rant here. But follow me if you can. This has always been my answer. I write it all down, it's soothing to me. I had the most wonderful mother on earth, not only the most selfless person you would ever encounter,but just a beautiful human being. I am so thankful to God for her life. For being her child. For giving me 43 years with this amazing woman. Everything that I am and will ever be is because of her. I see her more in my face now, I hear her voice saying you will be okay baby, trust God.Pray.But,this is so hard.For all of us.I'm watching my father and praying for strength for him,because she was his childhood sweetheart and he is broken. I see her everywhere. In everything I do, my mannerisms. My feet, my hands, my face. I have so many good memories, and that is some comfort.I know it's my own selfishness that wants her back, because she was suffering.And I know she is in a better place. She was my friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my hero and she loved me without condition. I never doubted that and it gives me so much joy to know she knew how much we loved her. She had a husband and three children who worshiped her. She was a strong woman, much stronger than me. She endured so much physical pain and even to her last breath still concerned for us. Always truthful with us, she didn't pull any punches but her advice came from love. And her upbringing molded us, she was proud of us. She was proud of her 53 year marriage and I miss her so much it hurts. My sister wrote this poem which we printed on her obituary. It sums everything I feel, we feel, up. I love you Mrs. Patricia Skinner forever and ever. You're everywhere I am.



I can't even recoginize what gone from me means or what's in between the seen and unseen.

Much like, but not just like God I know you will never leave me, but the aching is insanity.

I've never felt broken into so many pieces, all I am is pieces. Pieces that can't be identified of justified. Pieces soaked in sadness, sprinkled with madness and wrought with love from earth and above.

I know you're busy transitioning and haven't yet begun to practice listening, protecting or visting because it's still such a new thing.

I look forward to your spirit life, and I can't wait to see how your new wings look in my dreams or however you choose to show them to me,I know you'll fit them perfectly, as I reflect this thought with certainty. An angel certainly.

Father Can You Hear Me

Today my mother will get the results of her latest radiation treatment. She was diagnosed with brain cancer Christmas eve. I can see the fight still in her. I can see her trying to come back. But she isn't there yet, and she probably won't ever be. The seizure she suffered did some damage to her motor skills, her memory. I pray for strength , that I know my family will need at this time in our lives. I pray for courage, not only to carry her through but for my father as well who is taking this hardest. I know everything happens for a reason and I am still trying to undetrstand why it has to be my mother. I know people say this all the time but she is incredible. So, however I have to have her here I will. I just need a little more time dear God, just a little more time.

What Are You Doing New Years Eve?

Although I have not participated much this year, know that I miss you guys and I wish each of you a very happy,prosperous,joyful, healthy and loving NEW YEAR.Stay Blessed!!

Reunited

Hello people! Hope all is well in your lives.This weekend I had the opportunity to hang with my very first love. The one who I knew I would marry and we would have the house the white picket fence and 2. 5 kids. We even had names picked out. Yeah, he broke my heart.The one who..well you know. It's hard to believe I've been knowing this man for over 30 years. Been away from him for almost as long and we fit right back in together like we never left. It was fun to reminisce about our young lives and how much fun and trouble we used to get into.He turned out to be a very nice man. I knew he would. He was a very nice boy. I took him to meet the parents again..well... now that he doesn't have to run for his life. He still broke out in a sweat though.That was funny as hell. My parents don't even beat people up anymore. (they will shoot though)

I think it's great when you have such an impact on a persons life. They never forget you.They always wonder about you and what you are doing. Many people don't get that chance. I'm glad I did. Reach out to someone you haven't seen in a while. It's great for the soul. Stay blessed!

Never Would Have Made It

Yesterday was my fathers 72nd birthday. I am so blessed to say that. I wasn't given the opportunity to really appreciate how blessed yesterday, because our family was hit with some hard news. My brothers best friend, killed himself. Even as I type these words I find it so very hard to believe.I was already hurt by the fact that he was gone, but my brother is the one who found him. I believe that hurt me even more because I couldn't imagine having to find my best friend dead. I can't imagine finding anyone dead. But for someone I love,it would devastate me.

People always say. " Just know that they aren't suffering anymore" That is what I pray for most. I pray that he is not suffering. I pray that whatever it was that led him to take his own life is truly over now. The hardest thing I know for me will be watching my brother go through this. I hurt more, because I hurt for him. But this too will pass.

I'm trying to be strong, I haven't spoken a word to him. Not yet because I know when I talk to him or see him I will fall apart. I have been blessed enough in my life not to know death. Not to have to miss love ones or bury them. I have only attended 1 funeral in my life. This will be the second.

I thank God for delivering me from my pain. For seeing me through when I couldn't see. For making a way, when there was no way. For giving me the strength I needed to go on. I pray he is at peace.

Live your life to the fullest Stay Blessed!