Thursday, November 25, 2010
I miss my mom. Today more than ever. It'a strange if that is the correct word knowing she isn't here to share her delicious dishes, humor and love. I wish I could see her once more and tell her again how much I love her. I am thankful today because she did know how much I did, I'm thankful that she isn't suffering and she is somewhere smiling and saying "You made me happy Wendy" I know the type person she was she wouldn't want us to be sad. So today Mom, I will smile, celebrate and honor your memory. I love you. I always will. Happy Turkey day everyone, cherish this time with your family.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Sometimes when I am alone I wait for her. My mother. Hoping like some movie she will magically appear like an angel. I can talk to her, maybe touch her again. She will follow me around and pop in and out of my car. Offer her advice and wisdom. I could make her laugh again until her hernia blows up and she would tell me to knock it off. God, I miss her. So many days I want to pick up the phone and call her to tell her about my crazy days, craZy friends. Her birthday is coming. I hear her saying celebrate her life." Don't be sad when I'm gone because I enjoyed my life and I would do it all over again" I hear it. And I know eventually I will get to that place, just not yet.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
My mother passed away on a Friday. April 30th, 2010.From brain cancer. It has taken me some time to be able to come here and type that. I think I am perhaps still in shock, maybe denial. I know I am self diagnosing.Good days and bad so I may also rant here. But follow me if you can. This has always been my answer. I write it all down, it's soothing to me. I had the most wonderful mother on earth, not only the most selfless person you would ever encounter,but just a beautiful human being. I am so thankful to God for her life. For being her child. For giving me 43 years with this amazing woman. Everything that I am and will ever be is because of her. I see her more in my face now, I hear her voice saying you will be okay baby, trust God.Pray.But,this is so hard.For all of us.I'm watching my father and praying for strength for him,because she was his childhood sweetheart and he is broken. I see her everywhere. In everything I do, my mannerisms. My feet, my hands, my face. I have so many good memories, and that is some comfort.I know it's my own selfishness that wants her back, because she was suffering.And I know she is in a better place. She was my friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my hero and she loved me without condition. I never doubted that and it gives me so much joy to know she knew how much we loved her. She had a husband and three children who worshiped her. She was a strong woman, much stronger than me. She endured so much physical pain and even to her last breath still concerned for us. Always truthful with us, she didn't pull any punches but her advice came from love. And her upbringing molded us, she was proud of us. She was proud of her 53 year marriage and I miss her so much it hurts. My sister wrote this poem which we printed on her obituary. It sums everything I feel, we feel, up. I love you Mrs. Patricia Skinner forever and ever. You're everywhere I am.
I can't even recoginize what gone from me means or what's in between the seen and unseen.
Much like, but not just like God I know you will never leave me, but the aching is insanity.
I've never felt broken into so many pieces, all I am is pieces. Pieces that can't be identified of justified. Pieces soaked in sadness, sprinkled with madness and wrought with love from earth and above.
I know you're busy transitioning and haven't yet begun to practice listening, protecting or visting because it's still such a new thing.
I look forward to your spirit life, and I can't wait to see how your new wings look in my dreams or however you choose to show them to me,I know you'll fit them perfectly, as I reflect this thought with certainty. An angel certainly.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Today my mother will get the results of her latest radiation treatment. She was diagnosed with brain cancer Christmas eve. I can see the fight still in her. I can see her trying to come back. But she isn't there yet, and she probably won't ever be. The seizure she suffered did some damage to her motor skills, her memory. I pray for strength , that I know my family will need at this time in our lives. I pray for courage, not only to carry her through but for my father as well who is taking this hardest. I know everything happens for a reason and I am still trying to undetrstand why it has to be my mother. I know people say this all the time but she is incredible. So, however I have to have her here I will. I just need a little more time dear God, just a little more time.