Thursday, April 18, 2013

Beautifully Human

As far as "reality" shows go I find TI and Tiny's show to be very positive. There was however one problem child. Shicanna- Tinys hairstylist, she seemed to have no ability to behave professionally, so Tiny suggested they go to an etiquette class. The one standout, powerful point for me was when she was addressing the B word and said her mother had been calling her a bitch since she was four so it didn't phase her.

It didn't phase her. Wow, wow.Wow!!!! You guys know I have very SERIOUS problems with the B word. I don't like it. I don't appreciate it and I don't care what kind of way you try to twist it into a term of endearment, It's a derogatory word, that I don't tolerate. When that word comes out of your mouth to me, I am your enemy. That's how I feel. This woman said that she had been called such since she was 4. Can you imagine how a child feels being called this? A baby. What the hell is wrong in your sick mind that you would look at a child that you carried  in your womb and think that is okay? The saddest part for me is that even at her age she didn't realize that it did phase her. IT DID PHASE HER!!!!. She carried the stigma of Bitch practically her whole life. At some point she had to know that the definition of the word is a female dog, My mother is calling me a dog, my mother thinks I am no better than a dog. How am I to think any more of myself? How am I  to learn to behave in a professional setting and use tact and decorum when I have been led to believe that I am nothing more than a BITCH?How do you process this as a child? I can't process it as an adult.

I immediately understood why she behaved the way she did. I knew this was all she knew and although her behavior was/is obnoxious and over the top, I realized that her bad behavior was a defense mechanism that she had built over the years, she's had to be on defense since she was 4. Her mother was a women in need of counsel and she had probably only done to her child what was done to her. I have heard people call their kids little bastards and muthas and thank GOD for the household that I grew up in. Don't get me wrong, we got cursed out, but not belittled, it wasn't personalized. It was the collective, foot in your asses and smacking the hell out of you type thing. People don't realize they are in charge of molding lives. They were given this blessing from God and they continue to drop the ball.  I pray for this young woman. I pray that she realizes that she can change the pattern, she doesn't have to keep this mentality. She is a beautiful woman, plenty of sass. She just doesn't know and when you don't know how can you do better?  Perhaps, she will see the episode and begin to understand that she needs help as well. I couldn't get into the rest of the episode because those words resonated within my soul. I couldn't imagine my mother calling me that. Even at her angriest.

We have to do better. We have to get this together. We are supposed to be above the animals, the beast  the fowl in the air  and the snake that slithers on its belly. We are supposed to be human. Beautifully....

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Wives and Lovers

Hey, little girl,
Comb your hair, fix your make-up.
Soon he will open the door.
Don't think because
There's a ring on your finger,
You needn't try any more

For wives should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
I'm warning you.- Dionne Warwick

The first time I could ever remember hearing this song was while watching the movie 'The First Wives Club'. I'm sure I've heard it before  but its the first time I actually listened to words as they related to the picture. For those of you who haven't seen the movie, it's about three ( Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, and Diane Keaton) women who come together after the suicide of their college friend. This friend, killed herself because her husband left her for a younger woman. She couldn't live with the fact that he no longer wanted her, so she threw herself off her Manhatten balcony. Soon after all three women find themselves in the same predicament as their lost friend. But instead  of killing themselves they decide to make there husbands pay, by killing them. Okay... so they didn't really plan to kill them, that's my spin on it, they planned to make them pay in the wallet. I liked it.

The chorus of the song is true. Women do get comfortable in their lives they feel they've already landed the man so why should they do anything extra. Afterall, they are married, and feel as though their man 'Ain't going nowhere'. We all know this assumption is not true because men do go, it happens all day,everyday. This song was a fitting title  for this post not because of the wives who become comfortable in their relationships, but the lovers. I call the lovers, the girlfriends who are content being girlfriends while doing everything a wife should do. I was once guilty  of this very thing. Women share  households, bills, cars and even children but never the name. Initially, it was not my plan  when I entered into a new relationship  after my divorce to stay with him as long as I did. I just wanted to have fun , but the more time I spent with him  I began to love him. After years together I thought we should be married ,he said he did too. But he didn't, and our relationship began to suffer.  I'm not placing blame on him or I. We just wanted different things and the expectation of marriage was never on the table. But as I look at the time that I spent doing everything married people do. I wonder why women become so complacent. Why do we not demand a ring anymore? Why are willing to give so much of our time and energy to relationships  that will not lead to a marriage? Is it because we fear losing the man we love? That was the case with me when the M word was mentioned. I say if you are willing to do so many things together why not marry? Why do we allow ourselves to commit to men who are non-comittal to us? I may never have the answer but it is a question that I think women need to start asking themselves. He loves your cooking, your style,your sex, everything about you. He doesn't want to even think of you being with anyone else but cannot marry you. What is that about?I have long ago decided that the very next time I live with a man it will be my husband and I'm not saying to  women that you shouldn't EVER live with a man. I believe its essential to couples to know if they can live together. What I am saying is the lovers should be wives too . However  you have to make that clear this is what you desire  in the beginning otherwise you will end up hurt  because your expectation wasn't expressed early on. Once you let your desires be known and he openly says that is not his intention,please believe him and cut your loses.You won't change him. Why should you  try to build a life with man who is unwilling to build one with you? And stop letting him call you his wifey, your not.