Saturday, June 17, 2006

It Just Gets Better With Time...

I'm 40 , Four score... I don't feel any particular way. I'm still the same person I was yesterday. It's just saying it out loud. I remember when my parents were 40. How old I thought they were, they weren't,I know that now. I'm 40 yes, but I am much stronger than I was when I turned thirty. I know so much more than I did then. I'm still no ones wife. I may never be again. I'm still no ones mother,yet. But I'm so much more. When I dropped to my knees,last night I thanked God for all of the blessings he has given me. I thanked him for surrounding me with love. I thanked him for my families health, for good friends. For allowing me to be here this long. Today I'm having a "surprise" birthday party. I have to get off here and practice my faces.I'm in a good place. BLESSED!!! I'm 40, I'm fine and I'm fabulous!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


I noticed while looking for a Christmas card last year that there were not many that said " For My Parents". There were many to Mom/Dad/ from daughter/son etc. But not many for parents. I said to the woman who was standing next to me. " They don't make cards for parents anymore?" She looked at me kind of funny. I guess because of the abundance of cards that were before us to Mother or Father.So I explained that was looking for a card to give to them together. She said, " Oh, that's old School." I thought to myself God please bring back old school!

My mother met my father when she was 12 years old. My father was 14. On June 14, 1958 they were married. Yes, you can do the math. 48 years. My parents, took an oath before God to love and respect each other until death do them part. I'm sure there were times when they each wanted to walk away. I'm sure they both met, worked with and were hit on by other people that they were attracted too. But, their vows meant more to them than any of the foolishness in the street. The family bond that they made together took precedence over any and all. I know there were some very hard times, but for most of my life,our home was filled with love, respect and happiness. ( Except during my teenage years, when I thought they were put on earth for the sole purpose of making my life miserable) I know that I was/am blessed. When I'm so sick of the 'game' that I seriously consider getting a few cats and calling it a day;I think of them and I know real, true, unconditional love exist. Solid as rock. I'm hopeful again...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD!!!... I'm so proud to call you my PARENTS.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

All in Love is Fair

Although I am trying to shake this feeling.The fact is I am having these feelings over a little girl.I know it's wrong. I'm beating myself up over it. I'm never jealous of anyone. But I loved this little girls daddy with every part of my being, the sick twisted love that has you happily electric sliding to the washer to wash his dirty drawz. I came away from the relationship thinking this man is incapable of loving. I was convinced that he destined to be a "Good Doggie" until the end of his days. A Good Doggie will: Lie to you because he loves you. Or at least he thinks he does, years of conditoning has restricted his views of how to properly show it. His deceit, is a direct result of his thinking pattern 'What she doesn't know won't hurt her' . He never considers the consequences of his actions. Only the satisfaction he will get from them. Not ever taking into the equation karma, righteousness, or his own stupidity.Causing this to come to a head at some time. IE... BABY BOY. Therefore, women end up with the revelation that the man you adored; is a Good Doggie. I didn't want a Good Doggie, they never seem to understand the Actions/Reactions part. And you become the "crazy bitch"... They never understand that although this behavior means nothing to them. It means everything to you. So we parted ways, and after getting over feelings of anger, betrayal, regret and homicide. Time and forgiveness has set in and we are once again friends. Now, when I speak to him and he talks about his child, I see a different part of him. I see that he is capable of loving. That he can put someone else's feelings and needs before his own.So, my interpretation is that although he does have the ability he chose not to display it with me.I get it. It's choking the shit out of my ego, but I get it. I know it's a parent/child love. I understand in my mind that the two cannot be compared. But forgive my being human and my heart is saying otherwise.I didn't think of our break up as a disrespect to me, but I attributed it to his being a Good Doggie, he was incapable of this emotion. I was only desiring to be equallyloved and a brother was struggling. How is it possible that you can be Jekel one level, Hyde on the next? How can you be dirty, sneaky, lying and conniving- EVIL and so nurturing,honest,dependable, mature, pure- GOODtoo? Let's talk about the Faces of Adam-Hey, that's pretty good. I may have to keep that for a title. And why did I get to see both sides? Why couldn't you just let me continue to think of you as I had? That was easier for me. Now when I talk to him and he is going on and on about this thing or that, that he shared with his child and I see the glow in his face. I hear the concern in his voice I want to bust him in the face . I'm jealous of his love for her. I know it's sick, low ,terrible. I know it's the type of shit that"Flowers in the Attic" is made of. But, I'm just being honest.In all our years, he never even came close to this level. For me, that is not fair.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Brown Skin

You know what comes out of people's mouths never ceases to amaze me. I'm dark-skinned. Always been, always will be. I'm not buying any fade creams or skin lighteners. I'm not hiding out from the sun. People kill me when they say " Girl, I don't wanna get too black where is the shade". I recall my own great-grandmother telling my mother to "keep them children out the sun." I have never had a problem with my skin color. It was never an issue for me. My family ranges from damn near white to coal black and it is all beautiful to me. Anyway, I'm shopping, walking around e minding my own business and I see an old co-worker. We are chatting it up and when her mother sees us , she comes over and the first thing she says is. " You're pretty for a black girl". I'm dead serious and I am talking the black woman who is her daughter. She is not Asian, White, Indian, Hispanic or anything other than a very light black woman herself. This reference is to my tone not my race and I didn't acknowledge that stupid ass statement and keep talking. . Then she starts staring like I am some sort of fluke. I mean to the point where I am uncomfortable because I think mom may have some tendencies. So I give her my full attention. Then she asked " Is that all your own hair?" I say " Yes"... "Nice grade, where are you from?" I say "Excuse me?" I can't even RESPOND to this woman.... Are you kidding me? WTF? Now I'm annoyed and I think my ex-coworker has sensed it because she tells her mother to go get in line.Then she says," My mom is a trip" YOU THINK? "But, she didn't mean anything.." I give her the hand and tell her "I think she did." Simple people work my damn nerves. It's bad enough I have to put up with white peoples perception of me, now this bullshit. Isn't it about time we let this crap go? Must we make Willie Lynch's speech valid until the end of days? Ignorance is not bliss...

Thursday, June 08, 2006

For The Cool In You

I'm the type of person who will not leave my coworkers waiting for a ride. I always ask, are you ok? Or is someone coming for you? Being the hour we get off ( Midnight) and the fact that security has to patrol three buildings, it just isn't safe. There is one co-worker who from time to time is waiting for a ride although she has a car. I don't pry, but...I no longer let anyone drive MY car. I have learned a very hard lesson. When I did though, you better be there when I get off. Or there would be hell to pay. One second after I am off, I'm heading to my car. I understand things happen but tonight what this woman told us, as we waited with her for 45 minutes, before we decided to give her a ride because the sister was not answering her phone and no where in sight What she told us about her home life was not only sad but crazy! She is a single mother now of three boys aged 9, 7 and 2. She is currently going through a divorce. Her mother and sister have moved in with her, she has given up her bedroom to her mother. She has given one of the boys rooms to her sister. She sleeps in the room with her boys. ( I'm listening and thinking ...hell no) Her mother refuses to watch her children while she works. Not going to a club... to work! I"m REALLY thinking HELL NO now. Her mother does not work. WTF!!! And this is YOUR home? Her sister works, but does not have a car. She has two so she lets her sister drive one. Today one broke down. Her sister was supposed to pick her up. She never came ( we learned this is not the first time she has done this). Another co-worker and I decided to drive her home. When we pulled up to her home both cars were in the driveway. Lights in the wasn't even thinking about coming! CAN YOU SAY, ACT A FOOL?
Now, I understand that this is your family and you want to help them out. But, dammit if they are hindering you, it's time they go. I know it's hard to say Mom/Sis you gotta go. And that was her thing..."she is my mother". However, sometimes you have to love your family from a distance. Sometimes family is not family. If you can't watch my children while I'm at work for 10 hours. Not to mention the hour it takes to get there. And Yes, it took us an hour to get her home. At midnight. If when I get off you don't pick me up. IN MY OWN CAR. If when I get home, I have no private place to unwind because I have given you my room. If you don't get up any morning to get the kids ready and fed before school; to give me a little more time to sleep.AND you don't work anywhere. It's time we part ways. Shit, give me a break. They have to go. Of course I was only thinking this. She felt bad enough/embarrassed enough as it was, but we could tell she needed to vent. I know my face was twisted and smoke was probably coming from my ears. But I hugged her and told her was she would be blessed for all she has done for her family. And to keep her head up. Driving away we were both shaking our heads and saying...Ain't no way...

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My Prayer

We had a rather heated debate going at work today about civil unions. A few could not understand how I could be against homosexuality but for the civil unions. So here is my position:

I do not agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I feel that it is not the way God intended things to be. I do not believe people are born gay. All of my gay friends say they knew from the time they could think, what they wanted. That is their opinion. I can have mine. Yes, I do have gay friends. One of my very best friends is homosexual.

When I read the Bible, it tells me that such a lifestyle is wrong. This is my perception of the text.It is a sin. As is adultery, fornication,stealing, lying,coveting, lust...Sin is sin.It is not my place to judge them any more than it is their place to judge me for my sins. I will be the only one accountable for them.

I think of people that have lost there lives, because they were gay.The hatred that is being created now more than ever for these people. Whose only difference from me could be what happens in the privacy of their bedrooms.
I think of the families that are devastated when a man or woman who has always had homosexual tendencies, decide they no longer wish to hide. Had they not felt forced to conform to the "norm" they may not have married that man/woman knowing this was not what they wanted all along... How do you explain to a child that mommy or daddy likes ( men/women) and that is why we are no longer together. Do you say nothing? Do you tell the child later on? Do you hope the child doesn't overhear it at school or get taunted because of it?
Yes I believe in the sanctity of marriage. That a man and woman stand before God.That is again my perception of the text in the Bible.
But, who am I to say that that you have no rights should your life partner die, that you cannot collect benefits because you are not related, although you have shared your life with this person. GW's argument that civil union will lead to the breakdown of the traditional family is hogwash ( nicely put).The "traditional" family has been breaking down for more than 50 years;and not because of homosexuality. ( I could think of a hell of a lot more amendments that should be added. )Even if homosexuals aren't so called "married" they will still live together. They will still have families. Still raise children. So this amendment is not about family values. It is the government not wanting to give these couples the rights married heterocouples are afforded. It's about money, although it is being pushed as religion based.
I am for civil union because I respect the rights of people to live there lives as they see fit. As long as you are not endangering other people, especially children.

I defend people who are gay because, they have a natural right, a constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness. Not my perception of happiness. Their own. I may not agree with your choice but, instead of condemning you, I will pray for you as I hope you are praying for me.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


It was a beautiful day. It was a beautiful service. Marcel touched so many lives. Not only her immediate family, but extended family , friends, associates. There was such an outpouring of love for her today. People were coming straight from work to show their final respects. People were going to work late. So many had such beautiful words to express what her life meant to them. The funeral precession was at LEAST a mile long. I know she is looking down from heaven, be proud my sister. Well done, well done... May you rest in peace.

Friday, June 02, 2006

I Love Music

Being the music lover that I am I borrowed this idea from Mahogany- Being I am NEVER tagged. (You guys really need to get with it. I'll respond!) I had to tag myself. She had some pretty good music on her list. I will return to read more. So this is my list Of 25 Songs that I cannot live without. I mean if I had to pick songs to listen to for the rest of my life. This would be the list.( In no particular order) Hey...It's Friday I just got paid and I ain't got *!%* to do...

1. I Am Changing- originally performed by Jennifer Holiday in Dreamgirls This song has always touched me dearly. I sang this song at my high school graduation. I did well. But when Ms. Holiday sings this song you feel every word. You hear the pain and sorrow connected with the situation she has been through. For those who have not seen Dreamgirls on Broadway I will not spoil the upcoming plot for the movie...

2. Our Love Is Here To Stay Ella Fitzgerald
Have you heard this song? Talking about twisting a note. Ms. Ella was a master, don't try to sing along, just enjoy the ride.

3.Sometimes I Wonder Why Anita Baker
At her very best. " but when I lee aaaaaaayin your arms child it's easy pretending" Listen to this piano solo and the bass! Just draws you in and holds you there until she finishes belting out the last note...And your sitting there saying damn...I hate you so much right now!!LOL

4. I'll write A Song For You-Earth, Wind and Fire
Phillip, Phillip, Phillip. I watched this man sing this song in concert. He hit a note even higher than the recorded version and I thought to myself. I love this man. I love all EWF but this song really does something to me.

5. Guilty Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
I love this song. Always have. " <It ought be illegal..Make it a crime to be lonely or sad">

6.AS- Stevie Wonder
Stevie is partying on this song. Working his magic the only way he can. Mary and George Michael took at crack at it too. They did their thing. But hey...It's Stevie. It took awhile but I finally realized that the name of the song was not Always.

7.Together Again- Janet Jackson
This is such an uplifting , happy song. Although I heard it was dedicated to some of her friends that have passed on. I watched Janet perform this song on her HBO special I think she jumped the entire time. What I wouldn't give for stamina like that.

8. In A Sentimental Mood- Duke Ellington/John Coltrane
Any question on this one? Slow groove not one word ( jazz people) and you are making them up in your own mind. Takes me there every time.

9.SuperStar( Till You Come Back To Me)- Luther Vandross
I thank God that was I able to see with my own eyes the talent this man posessed.There are so many songs, I love by Luther. This song however with it's piano and flutes, the way he winds you down in the intro before he begins to tell his story... awesome. " Don't you remember you told me you love me baaby!" Lawd!!!

10. Daydreaming- Aretha Franklin
The Queen rocked this one for me. Back up saaaanging her into the verse. She comes in cool " He's the kind of guy..." Damn, effortless. Natural. Whew!!!

11. You Love Me- Jill Scott ( Hidden Beach track)
I watched this sister sing this song on Oprah, she bought tears to my eyes. Talent Raw. Now back to the song. If you have not heard this cut...get out from under that rock...and run to get it.

12. You Remind Me- Mary J
Another artist that I truly love. If I had to choose just one it would be this one. She came on strong..blazing. Had me bopping my head at home, work, stoplights. I didn't care. Still don't.

13. You Are My Friend- Patti LaBelle
This song empowers me. When I am down and thinking . Damn Life sucks. I put on this song. " The thought of you helps me carry on, when I feel all hope is gone" Everyone should have someone in there life that this sentiment rings true for. Ms Patti, yeah I've got to have this one. Amazing.

14. 1,4,3- Musiq
Talk about a brotha who can saaaaaaaang. It was a toss up between this one and love. This song I like because he was creative with it. "..listen to his notes. I love it. There aren't many more ways in words that I can say...broke it down to 143"

It's another sad song I know, but I feel his pain/comfort. His is singing to his mom. nice melody. smooth.

16. Waiting- Deniece Williams
Yeah, I went back. But Niecy put her thing down here. I think she may have been going through some things on this Album. Yes, I said Album. But notes, crazy notes, singing for real.

17. Neither one of Us Gladys Knight and the Pips
Strong, from the gut. Listen to the piano playing before she says" It's sad to think Telling this man how much loves him, but knows she's gotta go. " We just won't let it die" Have you been there?"Farewell my love,goodbye" Farewell is a mighty long time...she is done. Ok? Gladys is twisting the hell out of the scales, in this song. Keep up!The Pips in the background steady,complimentary and precise.

18. Candy- Cameo
Dom,dom, dom...< beginning beats ( work with me) Every body to the floor before he sings the first note.this was the cut back in the day. And I still get my wiggle/rock with it on!

19. Whole Town Laughing At Me- Teddy Pendergrass
Teddy will grab your attention won't he? I love the raspiness of his voice in this song more than others. Or maybe it's just the message of the song. You messed up buddy and now we all know it." Silly fool , how'd you lose such a good thing"?

20 Just My Imagination- Temptations
This is music y'all.....Listen to the musical intro,Everybody sing with the (Otis) background..Whooooo " Each day through my window.."

21. This Will Be- Natalie Cole
Another... just happy song for me. From begininning to end. Ms Natlie is working those vocals. ( you know that's where to find her music right? )A Vocalist." From now on, from now on baby."

22. Let's Dance to the Drummers Beat- I don't know
But you forgot about this one huh? Right now, I do not wish to search through all my CD's to find out who is responsible for the ultimate dance song. But if you know , let me know...

23. Atomic Dog_ George Clinton and Parliment-funkadelic
One Nation indeed under a groove...but, " This is the story of a famous dog.."
Who was sitting? Who? come on!This song is still it.

24.Adore- Prince
Man I could only chose this is my fav" Burn all my clothes, Smash up my ride...Well, maybe not the ride but ah..." This man puts it down on so me many songs.
And Finally...

25. Open Up My Heart- Yolanda Adams
True songstress with immeasurable talent. A gift but this song touches my heart in so many ways. I NEED this one.

Can I have 50 songs?...LOL. If your are reading you've been tagged!

Thursday, June 01, 2006


Blockbuster and I are going to fall out. I have a REWARDS (joke) card. There are supposed to be incentives for renting movies. eg. Cash off , free movie rentals etc. I have not been seeing any of the supposed rewards because the coupons were going to an old email addy. I corrected the problem last week by giving them my new address, after explaining to them, that I have not received any REWARDS. I finally had the opportunity to use a coupon this week. I rent movies. You don't understand...So when I got this coupon for 3 movies for 9.99 just a few bucks but hey a savings is a savings. I knew what my game plan was, there are a few movies I didn't see and here was my chance.

I walked in damn near waving my REWARDS coupon in the air. Went to get the movies I wanted and excitedly headed to the counter. My coupon said rent any three movies for 9.99. So when the total came to almost 15 bucks. I'm thinking to myself tax is not that high. I asked the clerk did she see the coupon? " Oh, these are new releases ma'am" . My reaction...Yeah and? "Well you can't rent any NEW releases with this coupon". You know... I'm not usually a hard ass, I was trying to make it a blockbuster night. Not a fight but, enough was enough. I asked for the coupon back and started looking for the fine print. There is none. It only says RENT ANY (3) MOVIES FOR 9.99 underneath this is valid form 5/21/06-6/4/06. Now I'm no legal expert but to me Any means just that. So I informed her that the coupons says any movie. Nothing saying only old movies. Nothing saying you can't get New releases. She gets a blank stare on her face like every word I just said was in Chinese. So I said hello. " She said well ma'am we only take THAT coupon for older movies not the new releases". So I said " May I speak to your manager" .Grumbles behind me, some help from the amen corner. Turns out the manager is the young man next to her who has overheard everything...AND NOT SAID A WORD..dumb ass. He checks my coupon, rechecks it again. I guess to make sure I didn't print it myself and tells Blank face to give them to me for that price. Not a hint of customer service. So I let him know that he could have resolved this problem 10 minutes ago,I also let him he know that he had terrible people skills and should sign up for achieving extraordinary customer relations class instead of standing here doing nothing, and letting these people stand in this line all this time for nonsense! Cheers behind me now. I got my movies, but damn Why?

Instant Replay

<---Me at 39. So the count down to forty has begun...I took a really good look at myself ( body ) yesterday. I'm flabby. But, not too shabby. I seriously had to rethink my current ( nonya bizness) weight. I guess M's death has scared me. Reality for your ass. Not that she was a big woman, which was enough for me. I have heart disease and cancer in my immediate family, I have started working out again. This time I'm sticking to it. Really. Even though I have been fat now for some time , I never had cellulite or a stomach, this too is a SHOUT OUT!! in the worst way. It angers me sometimes because I don't eat a lot. I know people see fat folks and think that we are just hanging out at the fridge and buffets and constantly stuffing our faces. That is not the case with me.I know my problem is not enough food. So,whatever food I do get my body holds hostage. Being short hasn't helped my cause either. So I have a new game plan. They say it's never to late. Yesterday, I walked halfway around my building at work. You would have thought I ran a marathon. I'm not a happy camper.

It's also my parents anniversary coming soon and I have to say after much thought,my sister came up with a great gift. ( I would mention what it is but my parents are too nosy and they may somehow find out)Even though they don't know about my blog. I was going crazy thinking of what to give them. These are two people who don't need anything. I hate to give money or gift cards... Too impersonal for me. I spent hours during the Christmas rush wandering around the mall looking for something, anything.It was so sad. After this gift there really is nothing else but cash. I'm so excited though! I can't wait to see their faces.