Saturday, June 10, 2006

All in Love is Fair


Although I am trying to shake this feeling.The fact is I am having these feelings over a little girl.I know it's wrong. I'm beating myself up over it. I'm never jealous of anyone. But I loved this little girls daddy with every part of my being, the sick twisted love that has you happily electric sliding to the washer to wash his dirty drawz. I came away from the relationship thinking this man is incapable of loving. I was convinced that he destined to be a "Good Doggie" until the end of his days. A Good Doggie will: Lie to you because he loves you. Or at least he thinks he does, years of conditoning has restricted his views of how to properly show it. His deceit, is a direct result of his thinking pattern 'What she doesn't know won't hurt her' . He never considers the consequences of his actions. Only the satisfaction he will get from them. Not ever taking into the equation karma, righteousness, or his own stupidity.Causing this to come to a head at some time. IE... BABY BOY. Therefore, women end up with the revelation that the man you adored; is a Good Doggie. I didn't want a Good Doggie, they never seem to understand the Actions/Reactions part. And you become the "crazy bitch"... They never understand that although this behavior means nothing to them. It means everything to you. So we parted ways, and after getting over feelings of anger, betrayal, regret and homicide. Time and forgiveness has set in and we are once again friends. Now, when I speak to him and he talks about his child, I see a different part of him. I see that he is capable of loving. That he can put someone else's feelings and needs before his own.So, my interpretation is that although he does have the ability he chose not to display it with me.I get it. It's choking the shit out of my ego, but I get it. I know it's a parent/child love. I understand in my mind that the two cannot be compared. But forgive my being human and my heart is saying otherwise.I didn't think of our break up as a disrespect to me, but I attributed it to his being a Good Doggie, he was incapable of this emotion. I was only desiring to be equallyloved and a brother was struggling. How is it possible that you can be Jekel one level, Hyde on the next? How can you be dirty, sneaky, lying and conniving- EVIL and so nurturing,honest,dependable, mature, pure- GOODtoo? Let's talk about the Faces of Adam-Hey, that's pretty good. I may have to keep that for a title. And why did I get to see both sides? Why couldn't you just let me continue to think of you as I had? That was easier for me. Now when I talk to him and he is going on and on about this thing or that, that he shared with his child and I see the glow in his face. I hear the concern in his voice I want to bust him in the face . I'm jealous of his love for her. I know it's sick, low ,terrible. I know it's the type of shit that"Flowers in the Attic" is made of. But, I'm just being honest.In all our years, he never even came close to this level. For me, that is not fair.

6 comments:

Brotha Buck said...

I don't think theres a such thing as a particularly bad feeling. You feel like you feel, and thats just human. It's what you do-- or maybe, not do -- that turns feelings into bad things.

Athanasius said...

It's pretty simple, actually. His daughter offers him unconditional love with no overt expectations or demands - perceived or otherwise. Of course there's the "feed me" "clothe me" protect me" expectations, but the love comes first and that facilitates the ease with which the man can care for (feed, clothe, protect, nurture, etc.) the child.

Besides, the bond between fathers and daughters is only approximated by the bond betwen mothers and sons, but the father-daughter bond is stronger because both ends of the father-daughter bond are vested in the bond from day 1, whereas it takes a few years (decades?) for sons to really feel mom.

Long story short, the game was fixed from jump street and there was, is, and will be nothing that you, I, or anyone else can do about it. It's good to explore your emotions on the matter but don't let it eat at you - the serenity prayer would be my prescribed medicine for you.

Chin up. Smile.

chele said...

I like the way Oscar describes this. Specifically, regarding the part about his daughter's love being unconditional with no expectations.

This was deep. I'm sure there are other women who feel this way but would never admit it.

NegroPino™ said...

I will admit I was a little jealous of the love affair my ex had with his son and BM until he left me for her.....I wasnt even mad when it happened cuz he couldn't give me all of him if he was still in love wif her.....and u know what? Now that MoFo wants me back....hmmmph....I always wondered how one could love somebody and not love another especially when the other person LOVES hard..am i saying that right? I used to think he was incapable of LOVE but I knew he LOVED his son, his mother, and his BM.....

Anonymous said...

Incapable of love...I agree with Oscar on the point about unconditional LOVE.. The way your mother loves you is different than the way she loves her husband. Your mother maybe so inclined to push her husband in front of a bus for you and she may herself step in front of that same bus just for you. What love...what life on earth would you trade for the love and life of your mother? This is the type of love you are jealous of. If this were another woman that he was talking to you about, that would be a different story. Circumstances change us. Think about all the things you know about this person and the experices you've had. Think of how much you have loved this person and what things could have been. If he was incapable of love, he is capable now and HER love just may have been all he needed to change. As much as you loved him, you don't have that kind of love in you for him. That love had been taken long ago by your own parents. Incapable of love? I don't think so. Incapable of loving YOU the way you need, want and deserve...Yes indeed!

Wendy said...

Buck...I'm not at the point where I would act upon this feeling. Especially towards a child.

Oscar...Thank you for reminding me. Sometimes we don't want to accept things but that is the only way to get past it.

Chele...If I can't be honest with myself I certainly cannot be honest with others.

NegroPino...It's just another chapter for me. But I'll get through it. Trust.