I don't have children, so I am reaching as far as what "I" would do. I know how I think I would raise my child. I know how I was raised. I know my tolerance level. I have friends with step children that are wrecking their lives and marriages. I know from listening to them, I no longer wish to be in a relationship with a man who has under aged children anymore. At my age that is really, really pushing it.This is a strong statement considering who much I love children. But I am watching my friends lives crumble before my eyes. Not because of money, miscommunication or infidelity, but because of the step children.
It's sad to watch because other than the children, these people have wonderful relationships. I understand my friends frustration and yet I understand their partner. No one wants to be put in a situation to choose between their spouse or their children. I understand when they are just wanting "peace" and not to make any waves and keep everyone happy. But you can't keep everyone happy. Someone is going to have a problem.
My friends feel unappreciated, one has been physically abused by a child. The other mentally abused not only by the child but their mother as well. I am at a lost as to what to say to them anymore. I listen. I ask them to talk with their spouses about how they feel. I know in my heart that both of these women love the step children. We don't have any Cinderella stories here. But the children, for some reason do not like them, nor do they respect the fact that their fathers love these women. I know that the mother's of these children are fueling the fires.
So how do you work this out? How do you keep your home life happy and as well adjusted and functional as you can when you have step children who act like they have 3 sixes on their skull?
I pray their relationships endure these troubled times. I pray these children realize that they are in the best possible place they could be. I pray that God give these families strength and wisdom.
Because....
I don't have children, but I know my tolerance level
9 comments:
I loved your blog! I have a step daughter, and it is so difficult although she is a good kid for the most part. The main thing to keep in mind is who is the adult. I don't let her be abusive - physically, verbally, or emotionally. The same goes for her momma. Regardless, one is always walking on thin ice. If your man is worth the sacrifice, you will go for it (with boundaries ofcource!) if not, RUN!!
This is a tough one for me Wendy. Recently someone told me that whenever they've noticed that I've given an opinion on kids, I always begin my post or comment with "I am not a father nor am I a step parent" and they really hated that.
I told her that I had to establish that my comment or post lacks that part that I would understand or handle things differently if I was a parent. So I feel as if I have to put that disclaimer out there.
But with all of that said, hell luv. I think the poor wives should cut their losses short and just somehow grit their teeth and bare it. I wouldn't know what to say to them either except be a supporter for them. That's all you can do...
Hello Mrs. Earnest and welcome, I agree with you, the children must remember who is the adult. I'm glad you enjoyed my spot! Please
come by again.
Frank baby, you know I have to let people know this only MY opinion, but hey, they ask for it! LOL
I'm not a step-parent, but my husband is one to my children. I have to say that it's not the children, but it's the parent who's no longer in a relationship with the person you married. My ex was...a dick towards my husband in the beginning. Then I had to lay down the law.
-This man you're trying to turn our children against, helps me keep a roof over your childrens' heads.
-This man you seem to have no respect for, takes your son with him just about everywhere he goes.
-This man took the time out to show your son how to ride a bike and learn drill movements for ROTC.
-This man has taken YOUR daughter on a date, so she'd know what it's like to be treated like a lady.
In a nutshell, he's doing everything that you won't make time to do.
There's a reason why alot of men won't put their child or their child's momma in check. Whether it's self-inflicted, or something that she has drummed into his head...it's guilt.
I am a step parent and also the mother of step children. It's a hard role.
Relationships are hard enough, even when you don't have that extra element of a child from a third party. I made up in my mind, in childhood that I would not even allow myself to be drawn into a relationship with anyone with children. Why? Because I hated my stepfather. I truly did. And I was a good child, so I can imagine if the child is a horror.
I am sad that your friends are going through all of this crap. Men and women with children still have the right to be happy (just not with me), regardless of the children. Those parents need to take charge of that situation.
I'm a parent and although my daughter and I are very close, she knows that I'm her mother first and foremost and there are boundaries that must be maintained. She knows who the adult is and does not blur that line.
I've been a step parent and while the kids liked me, they had moments where I saw the demons rise up from within them. In addition, their mother didn't raise them to respect other people's homes, have boundaries, or now time and place, which made their visits hell for me. I did the best I could to interact with them, but there was times when I just had to fall back and allow them time with their father without me or my daughter.
Too many parents allow and promote disrespect to the step parent which I thin is wrong; especially if the step parent hasn't done anything to warrant the behavior.
The kids (daughter's friends), or my god children all know Auntie Blu is cool, but don't push your luck. Gotta keep things in their proper place.
Love!
i'm a step mother.. no children of my own.
i just blogged about the "stepmother blues". LOL... i'm pretty lucky because my stepchildren are angels for the most part.
hugz,
neena
Tiki- If more of the parents stood up half of these problems would be solved. I agree it may be guilt for some, in the two cases I see its more like they ignore the problems.
Lyre- Hello there Gammy! I know its a hard job.
One Man- Thanks for stopping by, did you hate your stepfather because he married your mother? Or was he just a horrible man? It's good to see you here, come again!
Blu- Too many parents allow and promote disrespect to the step parent...Truth!!!
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