How Do I Live?

I watched an ABC news special on A.I.D.S. and the black community this evening.
The numbers were devastating as well as disheartening. Women within my age bracket are dying the fastest. The report gave many reasons for the cause, promiscuity,male/female ratio, miseducation, drug use. The thing that was most on my mind though was there was no solution. Of course there were people who all said we must do something, something because it's an epidemic people! More than 50% of all new cases of HIV were Afro-American. 68% of those being women between the ages of 25-44. This report upset me but, angered me as well. What does this say about my people? Do I just resolve that we as woman no longer care, and respect our bodies enough to say " no glove, no love?" Have we really become so desperate to keep men that we are willing to do anything and everything? There was a counselor that said she knew of sex groups, where all these people had sex with one another thinking they are "safe". Not taking into account the drug abuser, the brother on the DL or the person that just doesn't know that they are HIV or AIDS positive. My head and heart filled with a resounding, yes to answer my own questions! Some women have become so needy and self-absorbed, their esteem is so low that they are willing to do whatever to be with a man.It's disgraceful that the "half a man is better than no man" mentality is more prevalent than respect for self.

According to this report, for every 100 Afro-American women there are only 85 men. Therefore making it hard for the Afro-American man to remain monogamous.( Which is the reason for the previously mentioned sex groups) Or, at least that how my mind processed this information. Someone, has to take care those other 15. And Lord knows the percentage of incarcerated or homosexual males can't. Ladies please explain to men how you justify knowingly sleeping with a man who is married ( or otherwise involved with someone else)?. Then PLEASE help me understand...Sleeping with him and not protecting yourself knowing he sleeps with others? Ain't that much love in the world.This is not intelligent thinking, isn't self preservation a natural instinct?

Then there were the brothers who are bisexual, who really do not want to let that information out.Which goes back to my gay rights advocacy. "Let these men be gay as they wanna be. Remove the stigma, so they won't get with me!"
The odds are stacked even more by these brothers. Women, not kids who don't know any better, women are being placed in predicament where they really have no choice. Many are contracting this disease from their husbands, the men who stood with them before God. How can you fight that?Your not cheating, your not messing with someone you don't know very well. This is the man you love and who supposedly loves you. Betrayal is hard enough to deal with, but can you imagine having to deal with this as well? Sadly, for all of our knowledge, there is really nothing we can do other than resort to abstinence. We don't have a solution other than to educate , but by now everyone knows AIDS will kill you and there is no cure.As a woman I am horrified, angry, sad and embarrassed. But, most of all terrified.

Wonderful

Today my little sister is 29. Wow, the little kid who used to follow me around, the kid I used to carry on my hip. I've had plenty of time to think about things lately. I have so many fond memories of her, our childhood. Or should I say her childhood. Once I was searching all over the house for a shirt I loved. I repeatedly asked her if she had seen it. I knew the last time I had it was hanging on a line ( and my mind wasn't bad then) When asked she claimed she had no knowledge of any such shirt. "No, I haven't seen it,No!" I went into my Perry Mason mode and she broke down and told me she had worn my shirt, spilled paint on it. She tried to get the paint out and somehow made a hole in it. The shirt was at her friend Sparkle's house( she was trying to repair it for her because sparkle could sew her butt off)but, the guilt was killing her. " Okay I wore the shirt!!" a tearful confession, after my endless drilling..classic! She never was a very good liar. I laugh now, not so funny then, I loved that shirt. It's hard to believe the lovable kid is grown. The fact is if you live.. you get older. My sister has bloomed into an amazing, thoughtful,caring, beautiful, talented young woman. Your little, big sis is so proud. Happy Birthday baby. I love you!

I Gotta Get Up

I am not one for the dramatics...BUT...My God. I do not know what a heart attack feels like, but what I did have had to be close. I have never ,ever felt a tightness in my chest like this before. I suffer from acid reflux so I was thinking I was just having an episode. So, I did what I always did, grab an GAS-X(Which I would gladly do a commercial for ) and go. People, when I tell you this works in no time for me, believe it. However, this time the gas in my chest was a little stubborn. So I drank a little tea. Nothing. Okay, hmm. Let me go get a cold, cold PEPSI...Because nothing on earth moves gas like a cold, cold PEPSI..Nothing. Oh yes there was something. There was the constant vomiting that came from this little stunt. And the shortness of breath, I was scared people. I mean REALLY scared. I called 911.

Turns out my gall bladder decided to check out. Stones ( that I was not even aware that I had, needed to go) along with it. So after a week in the patient estates ,I'm home. As I fumble around like Quasi, I realize how much I miss an other. As I was lying on thee floor waiting for the ambulance, with my life flashing before me, I realized that there are so many things that I haven't done. Not only want to but need to do. For me. So I may be down for a minute, but I'm coming back. Pray for me. I just Gotta Get Up!

Come Sunday

The beginning of another week. Thank you Jehovah!!!

If I had the money I would go for the gastro.Although, I think you have to be a hundred pounds over your ideal weight ( Mine being 135 and I haven't seen that since I was 21. And won't see it again, even on crack) I'm not there but, something has got to give because I am so sick of this diet. I'm not starving myself but a lifetime of eating the wrong foods has me ready to commit crimes for a chocolate chip cookie. A (REAL) chocolate chip cookie. The other day when I was feeding my godson, even his junk food was looking tasty. I do reward myself with little treats but damn I need a meeting or something.
I need to stand before others and admit that I am a sugar fiend. I need a partner. Someone I can talk to, who knows what I am going through. Not Weight Watchers, some free stuff. I mean why isn't there a group for junk food eaters to meet and greet? I mean I know we can't be anonymous. Our asses, throw that out the window. We could have a catchy name though like ALL OF ME ...We could meet seven days a week. WW better watch out!
Seriously, another week has passed and not another pound has dropped. All I want to lose is thirty pounds. That's it. I've reached a plateau at twelve. Who reaches a plateau at 12?. I don't know what else to do. I mean I know at this point I am supposed to increase my metabolism...Somehow. My work hours prevent any more work out time. Anyone know any foods that can increase my metabolism? Please let me know.
I have alot of hair on my head. I said I would let it grow again and it is growing. Up and out but, not down. My beautician thinks I'm crazy (of course she does. It's just not growing fast enough for me. I guess I should be happy considering all that it has survived.

Because It's Love

... I want a love I can see, that's the only kind that means a thing to me. - The Temptations.

When I was a little girl. I dreamed a prince, a real prince just like in Cinderella would come and sweep me off my feet. I believed in love.

At 14, my poor little heart was broken in puppy love. I still believed in love.

At 19, although my high school sweetheart and I pledged undying devotion my 600 mile move ended that relationship. I believed in love.

At 21, I found the one I would spend my life with, so I thought. God loved him even more. I still believed in love.

At 29, my world was shattered by betrayal. I believed in love.

At 35,I let the flame die. Too much had happened. Although it was unfair to me. I still believed in love.

At 40, I've realized that I've put to much emphasis on these relationships. I've allowed them to clutter my thoughts and block my blessings. Now I've emerged, a beautiful butterfly. And I believe in love.

Happy Birthday To You!!!

My god baby is one today. Wow, that went fast. He is such a character, already. Watching him grow into this little person is something I have been blessed to do. He is amazing to me already. Happy Birthday baby!

Think you better let it go...( Jahiem's version)

One of the things that work the hell out of the two nerves I have left is- Grown/Bad Ass Kids, nothing makes me hotter. Let me just say this is child is my good friend's step child. I don't want to make any waves. For the most part I just listen to her rant. Nod my head. You can't tell people how to raise their kids. I rarely visit because little miss has too much mouth/attitude to be 11, for me. I have watched this child stomp, heard her slam doors, and lord even suck her teeth and utter the ( make me sick) out loud and within earshot.. Which sends sharp pains from my neck to the bottom of my foot. (Which I'm sure would be planted somewhere if this were my problem) I have listened to my friend argue with this little girl. And instead of the father correcting the child he says " Ya'll both need to be quiet." WTF??? I am not standing around arguing with a child. But my friend is the talking type. Me too...really...However, I'm not going to keep talking to you about the same things over and over again because you want to want to act like you can't understand English. My friend wants to find out what's wrong with the child. ( needs a beatdown) Let them express themselves.( Ok, that's cool within reason, don't get crazy). My parents listened to my side of the story. However, when the BS didn't fly they became the OG punishers ( no phone, no radio, no T.V.,no outside ( don't even look out the window at the other kids having fun) and if your friends come by that's another day. So you better tell them to stay away. That worked for me, worked for my sister. My brother however,this punishment meant nothing, He needed the beatdown. Some kids just do. Back to my point, I called my friend yesterday, and this little girl picked up the phone and told me I needed to call back because she was on the phone, and hung up. She didn't know what the hell I was calling for.( Not that it was her business, but damn I could have been stranded somewhere.) Normally Wanda (ALTER-EGO: Crazy, Deraaaanged , damn fool) takes over in these situations. This time she let me call my friend on her cell, and inform her that if this weren't taken care of I would not be calling her house again. I was griping my cell so hard I damn near broke my flip. Had I said what I was thinking, there was going to be problems.BIG problems, friendship losing , problems. You see when I'm at the point where I'm about to read you,I don 't take any time out to be nice about it. Nor do I take time to realize that you are only 11 . Especially since you are trying to be grown as I am. I just cannot tolerate her disrespect any longer. I was not raised like this. If, I would have even thought about doing half the crap this kid gets away with. This blog would be non-existant. These punk-ass parents are making me sick.

Let the Music Play- repost

Being the music lover that I am I borrowed this idea from Mahogany- !
4. I'll write A Song For You-Earth, Wind and Fire
Phillip, Phillip, Phillip. I watched this man sing this song in concert. He hit a note even higher than the recorded version and I thought to myself. I love this man. I love all EWF but this song really does something to me.

5. Guilty Barbra Streisand and Barry Gibb
I love this song. Always have. " It ought be illegal..Make it a crime to be lonely or sad"

6.AS- Stevie Wonder
Stevie is partying on this song. Working his magic the only way he can. Mary and George Michael took at crack at it too. They did their thing. But hey...It's Stevie. It took awhile but I finally realized that the name of the song was not Always.

7.Together Again- Janet Jackson
This is such an uplifting , happy song. Although I heard it was dedicated to some of her friends that have passed on. I watched Janet perform this song on her HBO special I think she jumped the entire time. What I wouldn't give for stamina like that.

8. In A Sentimental Mood- Duke Ellington/John Coltrane
Any question on this one? Slow groove not one word ( jazz people) and you are making them up in your own mind. Takes me there every time.

9.SuperStar( Till You Come Back To Me)- Luther Vandross
I thank God that was I able to see with my own eyes the talent this man posessed.There are so many songs, I love by Luther. This song however with it's piano and flutes, the way he winds you down in the intro before he begins to tell his story... awesome. " Don't you remember you told me you love me baaby!" Lawd!!!

10. Daydreaming- Aretha Franklin
The Queen rocked this one for me. Back up saaaanging her into the verse. She comes in cool " He's the kind of guy..." Damn, effortless. Natural. Whew!!!

11. You Love Me- Jill Scott ( Hidden Beach track)
I watched this sister sing this song on Oprah, she bought tears to my eyes. Talent Raw. Now back to the song. If you have not heard this cut...get out from under that rock...and run to get it.

12. You Remind Me- Mary J
Another artist that I truly love. If I had to choose just one it would be this one. She came on strong..blazing. Had me bopping my head at home, work, stoplights. I didn't care. Still don't.

13. You Are My Friend- Patti LaBelle
This song empowers me. When I am down and thinking . Damn Life sucks. I put on this song. " The thought of you helps me carry on, when I feel all hope is gone" Everyone should have someone in there life that this sentiment rings true for. Ms Patti, yeah I've got to have this one. Amazing.

14. 1,4,3- Musiq
Talk about a brotha who can saaaaaaaang. It was a toss up between this one and love. This song I like because he was creative with it. "..listen to his notes. I love it. There aren't many more ways in words that I can say...broke it down to 143"

15.Everywhere-Jahiem
It's another sad song I know, but I feel his pain/comfort. His is singing to his mom. nice melody. smooth.

16. Waiting- Deniece Williams
Yeah, I went back. But Niecy put her thing down here. I think she may have been going through some things on this Album. Yes, I said Album. But notes, crazy notes, singing for real.

17. Neither one of Us Gladys Knight and the Pips
Strong, from the gut. Listen to the piano playing before she says" It's sad to think.. Telling this man how much loves him, but knows she's gotta go. " We just won't let it die" Have you been there?"Farewell my love,goodbye" Farewell is a mighty long time...she is done. Ok? Gladys is twisting the hell out of the scales, in this song. Keep up!The Pips in the background steady,complimentary and precise.

18. Candy- Cameo
Dom,dom, dom...< href="rhythmandwords.blogspot.com">

Butterflies

I was having a bad day and I'm sure my face said so. I had just decided to upgrade my computer and after listening to one of my crazy ass friends and believing her when she told me " Girl you can do it yourself" and damn near blowing myself and my computer to smithereens ( All is well). I discovered I needed a new graphics card to go along with my new hardware' money... So, I went to Best Buy to search for one, that's all I wanted. Really...What he said was 'smile' I didn't really hear him the first time. So he said it again and I glared at him. " Who pissed you off?" Still in a bad mood..I said "Why?" So he walked off. Just walked away. I guess he said this MAD BLACK WOMAN is not worth the trouble. I felt bad because he was only trying to be friendly, but I had another task at hand. So, it was finally my turn to be waited on and I explained to the clerk what I was in need of. Mr. Happy returned and interrupted the clerk because he was not giving me the correct information. He informed me that he rebuilds computers and the graphics card Mr. Best Buy was recommending would not work in my old ass computer. I thanked him.

He then gave his name and his business card. I happily accepted because a working computer was what I needed and QUICK!!!Each time I speak to this brother, he is in a better mood than when I spoke to him last. Tonight the conversation moved from computers to personal...it took long enough.... Stay tuned...

Baby I'm A Star

You ever get one of those feelings when you think your shit don't stink? Yeah, I've been on that kick. Since my birthday I've been in a mood. I had a few people trip on me these past few weeks. I had to take a few minutes and regroup. I thought maybe just for a moment, maybe I was reading too much into the whole nonsense. I mean The things I think are important, are not as important to others. >EVERYBODY does not love Wendy. Go figure. At least not like I love Wendy. And I was on the "How Dare You" trip. It took God sending me a message from an old friend to understand that. She just called me out of the blue, I haven't spoken to her in years. But she was my rock, and I had forgotten about her. She had no cross words for me, as she listened to my rant. And as I rambled on, I realized that I was guilty of the very thing I was speaking of with her. Well...that knocked me down a peg.I know I I get a little Wenderful on folks and expect the world to move when I say move. Sometimes I need a little humbling to bring me back to earth. So, it's not all about me I get it. I will say in my defense... I was clouded by the fact that this all started 'round my birthday. So here I am with a renewed spirit and, a clearer understanding of the different levels of friendship. There are new paths that I must choose. I pray that I learn to accept the things I cannot change.