Slowly,Surely

Since I decided to end a relationship that wasn't going were I thought it should go, I've missed him. I miss the time that we shared. Normally this is where I give in to the madness and answer his calls.Now is when he's thinking that he has given me enough time to calm myself. Truthfully, when I hear his voice I want to pick up the phone so badly. I want to tell him come on over. I want to spend time and have extraordinary make- up sex. But I'm being firm. I meant exactly what I told him, it was exactly how I felt. Like my life was being put on hold for him. I promised myself, that I would never do that to myself again. So why does it hurt so bad?. I was at a point where I so miserable, at a point where it felt like pulling teeth to have a decent conversation.Trying to be understanding to his needs and not so harsh. ( As I am told I can be). And I can be. I know that. But enough for me was enough. Now that I've had enough he wants to the person that I wanted all along. He has time to listen and he "understands' how selfish he was. I find myself believing him., but I don't know if it's really the fact that I want to believe him or because it's the truth. I can't chance it. I'm not talking about a minimal amount of time spent with this man. He had years to see me for who I am. Years to understand the makings of me. Years to see the relationship was one he didn't want to lose. Years I feel now wasted. I don't have the time anymore. I won't be singing "I just love the man" around the house. Although, sometimes I want to, but in time I will be fine.

I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve;
And all my sour-sweet days
I will lament and love.


—from "Bitter-Sweet" by George Herbert

One Thing

Of the things I find sexy in a man, the thing I find the most irresistable is a brother who is well spoken. When a man speaks and knows what he is talking about. Lawd. I come apart. Not to be confused with a a man who just talks alot. I'm not talking about a man who thinks he knows every damn thing and won't shut the hell up. I'm speaking of a man who has the ability to listen and then comment. I'm speaking of a man who commands the room when he speaks. Not someone who is brash or condesending. Someone that people want to hear.They are interested in what he as to say. I'm speaking of a man who has me grabbing a dictionary because I don't KNOW the word he just used. This type of man leaves me shaking. He doesn't have to be attractive to the eye, because his mind feeds my soul. ...With that said...

BARACK OBAMA



Whew.... I know , he's married...but Damn!!He was on Oprah today and this is yet another time that I am kicking myself for not having TiVo.

Say, Say, Say

My friends are always going on and on about how I quote movie lines. I do. I am quite the movie watcher. Life often imitates art and there are many opportunities when something a character said in one of those movies that I have seen fit the circumstance that I am faced with. I mostly watch comedy and drama. Lord knows as much as we try to be drama free it happens. Sometimes with a comedy twist, just for fun...
Because I am completely bored and it's raining outside I will list my most favorite lines. Maybe you know some of them. Maybe you don't. I will list the movie that they come from at the bottom...no peeking!

1. Keep sailing Bob!
2. It was a stone,cold, groove my man.
3. Just don't say you didn't do it because it insults my intelligence
4. Well why don't you go back over there and keep watching
5. All this shabooya has got to stop!
6. Excuse me sir, I speak jive
7. Bitch you better drive!
8. Just because your name is lady Heroine doesn't mean you have to sell it
9. Does it look like I got a number?
10. Ain't nobody coming to see you Otis.
11. Miss a step today, you'll be frying fish tomorrow.
12. We're in the business of being in business. So let's go business!
13. You looking at me with all that familiarity.
14. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
15. We ain't friends Jake.
16. Fixin' to shave mister
17. Us breakers don't take too long to do nothing
18. Is that enough truth for ass?
19. The beatings will now begin!
20. Do I amuse you?


Movies
1. What About Bob?
2.Trading Places
3. The Godfather
4.The Bodyguard
5. Get on the Bus
6. Airplane
7. Just Cause
8. Harlem Nights
9. Five Heartbeats
10. The Temptations
11. What's Love Got To Do With It
12. Brewster's Millions
13. He Got Game
14.Rush Hour
15. A Time to Kill
16. The Color Purple
17. Let's Do it Again
18. Baby Boy
19. Bill Cosby Live
20. Goodfellas

Where My Girls At?

Harpo who dis woman?

I am the first one to give it up for black love. Any love. But people I tell you I think I am in a remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, My girls are one by one falling prey to "The Others". I'm not hating. Let me explain,although I am not in a serious relationship at this time,I have had them.I was still Wendy, all day, everyday. That's all I am going to be. I have one friend who was married and now she has completely disappeared from the face of the earth. I'm ready to file a missing persons report. I mean ok, this is the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and lord knows that she waited to find the man of her dreams. However, I have heard from this woman 3 times since she married.( Still haven't seen her) We have been friends for 21 years. It's been nine months. Where my people at? I have another who has been in a relationship for 2 years.Sis has turned into..into...I don't know who the hell this woman is. Some of the shit she says to me, has me wanting to research personality disorders. Multiple in particular. Another who is actually dating a man who physically abused her.Physically...laying of the hands. WTF??? He apologized and said he would never do it again. Well don't most ABUSERS) say that?Give me a break. I gotta get an exorcist for this one. Again, I'm not hating. I think I am just missing the people they used to be. Before the men. I know that you want to kick it with your man, but hello....Remember me?, The one who listened to all your bitching, waiting with you,wishing you'd exhale,hoping that man finds his way out of that cave in Tibet? I have never neglected my friendships because I had an other. I never neglected my man for my friends. Am I somehow special because I was able to do both? We'd have roundtables about women losing themselves to their men, and shake our heads, raise our fist and vow to never be one of them, so I'm just wondering what happened to those women ? Or is it that they were pretending and tricked me into thinking we had similar thought patterns. Well you know what? I'm not going to say that the men are controlling them. These women are in control of their own faculties ( I pray ) They've chosen these paths themselves. But it's just mind boggling to me. Maybe I'm being too harsh.They appear to be happy. And what do we really want for our peeps? Happiness. So I will wait for them to back away from the light.

Can We Talk

My girl said "Daddy wants me to meet him at..."Silly me, I thought she meant her father. Why do women do that? I take issue with calling my man "Daddy, Big Daddy or anything pertaining to Paternity. To me it's something a little twisted about this. I mean the very last person I want to be thinking about when I am thinking of my man is my father. Does calling me babygirl mean I have to call you daddy? To each their own of course. It's just a little weird to me.

I have become completed obsessed with the Sims 2 and I have got to get a grip before they become my only friends.

I missed the number by one today( Pick three). I'm getting closer. Since we got the lottery I have only played twice. Even though I talked crazy junk about North Carolina for not having one.

People never say anything about your weight until you lose it. Why is that? Now everyone has something to say.. I still have 15 more pounds until I reach my goal weight. Not the goal weight because I won't see 125 again. Not trying to look crackish.

Anyone else think Dr. Burke's love life could be a whole lot more interesting? Bring Dianne Carroll back...I have some ideas.

Finally...
Damn, I am so very sick of the media ragging Mel. I do not think that it would have been taken to this extreme had that racial slur been something else.

I Just Came Here To Chill

Everytime I stop blogging for a significant amount of time I'm out of wack. This is my therapy. I've been through quite a bit these past few months. Heaven knows my God watches over me. Because quite frankly...( I remember when I lost my mind). I have gone through so many emotions and haven't let any of them out.. When I write they come out and I know this. I had just been blah...

I'm baaaaaack, got my old school groove going on and I'm ready to shine. I wrote three full chapters yesterday. I just couldn't stop. And they are good. I'm not just saying this because it's my work. They are good. I had been blocked for so long and the words just came. I got my stride back. My characters and developing into people we all know and love, and some we hate. But enough about that...for now.

My sis fell and injured her ankle, She's accident prone. But thankfully okay. Mom and dad are fine. My baby ( that would be my nephew) is 16 soon to be 17 and soon to be a father. Do I want to kill him off? Yes! Lord knows we have all talked til' we are blue in the face about protecting yourself. Kids, just don't care about consequences of their actions but he will. Soon. I couldn't sugarcoat his predicament for him. I understand that we all make mistakes. But this is a big one and I want to make sure that although it was a "mistake" ( Jury still out on this one) it won't happen again and again. This is one that you need to learn from. It can't even imagine this child with a child. It's still and effort to get him to shower everyday. He hasn't even finished high school! I WANT TO PLANT MY ENTIRE FOOT IN HIS ASS! Forgive me. I know I'm ranting.

One of my favorite divas from back in the day passed last week. Tamara Dobson better known as Cleopatra Jones. May she rest in peace.

I apologize

Lately I've been hearing this a lot from various people. Normally, I would accept these words and get past it. But now I feel like quoting Ike Turner. " Yeah you sorry all right"... The following is an excerpt from For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow Is Enuf - Written By Ntozake Shange




One thing I don’t need
is any more apologies.
I have sorry greeting me at my front door.
You can keep yours.
I don’t know what to do with them.
They don’t open doors.
They don’t bring the sun back in.
They don’t make me happy.
Nobody stopped using my tears to wash cars because of a sorry.

I’m simply tired of collecting them.
“I didn’t know I was so important to you”
I can’t get to the clothes in my closet for all the sorries.
I’m gonna leave a message on my phone,
“If you called to say you’re sorry, call somebody else because I’m not taking them anymore.”

I’m going to do exactly what I want to do
And not be sorry for any of it.
Let your sorries soothe your soul
I’m gonna soothe my own.

That about sums my feelings up.

Change the World

My brothers step- daughter is 16. At a family gathering last week I asked her what colleges was she looking in to.She doesn't want to go to college. She has the means. She is a smart child. She wants to go to cosmetology school and open a shop. I looked at her mother's face when she made this statement. Her face told me the issue had been resolved and her daughter had her full support. Now lord knows, I know plenty of women who would die without their beauticians and I'm not belittling their profession at all but, I found myself thinking. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Perhaps because from the time I could form a thought my parents have pushed the importance of education. Perhaps because I know plenty of beauty school dropouts.Perhaps because I am thinking logically. Why not give yourself more options? As many as you can. Ok, you want to be a hairdresser that's fine but, at least take a course that will help you manage the business you hope to build. Why not just try it first and see if it's for you? If you're so hell bent on doing this, do your roommates heads. Build a client base for God's sake!

I also have a friend whose daughter believes that she is the next Judith Jamison. No college for her either. She wants to be the choreographer to the stars, she wants nothing else. Baby girl can dance, but so could every other girl at the recital.I believe in having a dream. I believe in nurturing and supporting your children. But let's be realistic here. Let's burst that bubble for just a minute and say "What If?" What do you do if this plan doesn't work out? What is your plan B? I'm thinking of so many boys and girls who dream of going to college but have to put this on a back-burner because they cannot afford to go. I'm thinking about how hard it is to get ahead WITH a college degree. Encourage your children to be the best, in whatever they decide to do, but don't allow them to settle. Don't allow them to take the easy road. Soon enough they will find that reality is not as great as the imagination. So prepare them for the unexpected, as much as you can. I still believe that nothing beats a fail but a try. Most parents know their children. Maybe they know college isn't for their children, but don't send them into the world with the rose colored glasses.Because contrary to your belief the sun doesn't rise on little miss/masters ass...

{Conspiracy Theory}
Spike Lee's When The Levees Broke was supposed to air Tuesday night. All four parts. Strangely enough, the cable station was having difficulty. With this channel. All 200+ other channels were working just fine. Cowinky-dink? I think not.

How Do I Live?

I watched an ABC news special on A.I.D.S. and the black community this evening.
The numbers were devastating as well as disheartening. Women within my age bracket are dying the fastest. The report gave many reasons for the cause, promiscuity,male/female ratio, miseducation, drug use. The thing that was most on my mind though was there was no solution. Of course there were people who all said we must do something, something because it's an epidemic people! More than 50% of all new cases of HIV were Afro-American. 68% of those being women between the ages of 25-44. This report upset me but, angered me as well. What does this say about my people? Do I just resolve that we as woman no longer care, and respect our bodies enough to say " no glove, no love?" Have we really become so desperate to keep men that we are willing to do anything and everything? There was a counselor that said she knew of sex groups, where all these people had sex with one another thinking they are "safe". Not taking into account the drug abuser, the brother on the DL or the person that just doesn't know that they are HIV or AIDS positive. My head and heart filled with a resounding, yes to answer my own questions! Some women have become so needy and self-absorbed, their esteem is so low that they are willing to do whatever to be with a man.It's disgraceful that the "half a man is better than no man" mentality is more prevalent than respect for self.

According to this report, for every 100 Afro-American women there are only 85 men. Therefore making it hard for the Afro-American man to remain monogamous.( Which is the reason for the previously mentioned sex groups) Or, at least that how my mind processed this information. Someone, has to take care those other 15. And Lord knows the percentage of incarcerated or homosexual males can't. Ladies please explain to men how you justify knowingly sleeping with a man who is married ( or otherwise involved with someone else)?. Then PLEASE help me understand...Sleeping with him and not protecting yourself knowing he sleeps with others? Ain't that much love in the world.This is not intelligent thinking, isn't self preservation a natural instinct?

Then there were the brothers who are bisexual, who really do not want to let that information out.Which goes back to my gay rights advocacy. "Let these men be gay as they wanna be. Remove the stigma, so they won't get with me!"
The odds are stacked even more by these brothers. Women, not kids who don't know any better, women are being placed in predicament where they really have no choice. Many are contracting this disease from their husbands, the men who stood with them before God. How can you fight that?Your not cheating, your not messing with someone you don't know very well. This is the man you love and who supposedly loves you. Betrayal is hard enough to deal with, but can you imagine having to deal with this as well? Sadly, for all of our knowledge, there is really nothing we can do other than resort to abstinence. We don't have a solution other than to educate , but by now everyone knows AIDS will kill you and there is no cure.As a woman I am horrified, angry, sad and embarrassed. But, most of all terrified.

Wonderful

Today my little sister is 29. Wow, the little kid who used to follow me around, the kid I used to carry on my hip. I've had plenty of time to think about things lately. I have so many fond memories of her, our childhood. Or should I say her childhood. Once I was searching all over the house for a shirt I loved. I repeatedly asked her if she had seen it. I knew the last time I had it was hanging on a line ( and my mind wasn't bad then) When asked she claimed she had no knowledge of any such shirt. "No, I haven't seen it,No!" I went into my Perry Mason mode and she broke down and told me she had worn my shirt, spilled paint on it. She tried to get the paint out and somehow made a hole in it. The shirt was at her friend Sparkle's house( she was trying to repair it for her because sparkle could sew her butt off)but, the guilt was killing her. " Okay I wore the shirt!!" a tearful confession, after my endless drilling..classic! She never was a very good liar. I laugh now, not so funny then, I loved that shirt. It's hard to believe the lovable kid is grown. The fact is if you live.. you get older. My sister has bloomed into an amazing, thoughtful,caring, beautiful, talented young woman. Your little, big sis is so proud. Happy Birthday baby. I love you!